Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 6

UNC Essay - Expressing My Inner World

material_sloth 3 / 5  
Jan 15, 2010   #1
1. People find many ways to express their inner world. Some write novels; others paint, perform, or debate; still others design elegant solutions to complex mathematical problems. How do you express your inner world, and how does the world around you respond?

I slowly raise the silver mouthpiece to my bottom lip and experience the familiar, calming sensation of the cold metal against my skin. My mouth tightens into a practiced embouchure, the reward of years of rehearsal. The first strains of breath leave my body and seamlessly transform into sound. Suddenly, the knot of nerves untangles in my stomach and I am engulfed in the rich vibrations echoing to the ceiling.

The once nerve-wracking gazes of the audience pass by unnoticed as I am absorbed into my music. Each quick intake of air warms my throat and my lungs feel pleasantly expanded, as if they awoke from a sleep to stretch their drowsy bronchioles. Each finger grazes over the subtle indentations of the keys, somehow finding the intended niches.

My mind floats into space and my heart takes over. The emotion I have been bottling inside bleeds into my sound and reverberates in my notes. Embracing the exposure, I allow my feelings to color the music. With each pulse of vibrato, I dig deeper to contour the phrases of notes. Passion builds as the pitches ascend, climactically releasing with the concluding sustain.

The final note lingers in the air as I lower my flute. The applause gently draws me back to reality. My performance was not perfect, but I derive a feeling of accomplishment from the authenticity that I poured into each piece. Even more rewarding is the inspiration that I have fostered in the beginning flutists who watched me- inspiration identical to that which was once graciously given to me.

I'd appreciate feedback on the content, structure, etc. I'm particularly wondering how the ending fits with the prompt? I know it's a little cheesy, but I was trying to include something about how the "world responds to my expression" in order to address the entire question.

Thanks! :)
almacubana 5 / 19  
Jan 15, 2010   #2
I loved this essay. It completely drew me in - I was holding my breath on to your very next word. The ending is what made it complete. You made it about you, but also about the other flutists. Well done :D

only thing i noticed:

The once nerve-wracking gazes of the audience pass by unnoticed, as I am absorbed into my music

Review mine? I know it needs a lot of work. any suggestion would help!

essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/essay-someo ne-made-impact-life-due-today-15020
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Jan 15, 2010   #3
well, this is definitely good, and i usually dont just throw out complements, so you really did do a solid job.

However, i dont get the passion idea, your talking about body parts and how you feel, but to say passion builds w/ each second is a bit of a stretch it seems, and you could do w/o the knots in the stomach, for an essay w/ such an authentic voice, you dont need what is a pretty cliche description.

One other thing, the conclusion, meeeh, its def. not bad but i feel like its a step down from the rest of the essay, the easy thing to do would be too end w/ reflecting on the audience and saying that each performance is more and more inspiring, im not saying you have to change this, but you have time and this is a relatively short essay, see if you can come up w/ somethimg more provocative and less predictable, because frankly, i could see the ending coming.

Still dont take this as critcism, more just ways of improving because this is pretty good stuff, you tell the story from the first sentence on, use legitamate, interesting detail and dont really force anything w/ the exception of maybe the things i already mentioned.

Good luck
Could you take a look at my UNC essay when I finish it
OP material_sloth 3 / 5  
Jan 17, 2010   #4
Thanks so much for your feedback! To both of you, I will review your essays also :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 20, 2010   #5
Ha ha, I was going to suggest a change that pertains to "style":
People find many ways to express their inner worlds . ----- keeping consistently plural...

but I see that it is part of the prompt! :-)

Hey, this is very nicely written. I would trim this away:
I slowly raise the silver...

use a comma for the compound sentence:
My mind floats into space, and my heart takes over.

It will not be as cheesy, and it will respond better to the prompt, if you limit the poetic description to two paragraphs and spend a full paragraph on reflection... the different ways music is involved in your verbal and written self-expression, the way your ideas are coneyed through music, they way they are conveyed through language, the way people respond to you when you speak or write, the way they respond when you play music.

klusterfunk 6 / 21  
Jan 20, 2010   #6
Wow. All I can say is, I'm jealous of your experience and I can't wait to try playing a flute!

An exceedingly well-written, imaginative, and honest essay that seems to reek (in a good way!) of existentialism.

Loved it; thanks for sharing.

Took a second look, and the only thing I can possibly criticize is already covered by srandhwa, about the last part being a little cheesy (which you identified at first).

I think his/her idea of observing the audience's reaction, or the world's reaction in general, maybe something philosophical, about nature and sound... maybe something to that effect might be in order?

Home / Undergraduate / UNC Essay - Expressing My Inner World