So here is my UNC Undergrad essay, i dont have much confidence in this at all so please any harsh critiques, feedbacks, anything is greatlye appreciated. I tried to use a quirky type of topic, dont know if i had any success at all doing it. Thanks alot
Prompt: I'm using the one that allows you to create your own: Tell us about one of your favorite games and its significance
"Bounces off a tackle, spins forward, dives, did he get in... YES HE DID TOUCHDOWN WILLIS MCGAHEE!"
NOOO! Just give the ball to Ray Rice; he's the one doing all the dirty work. I need those six points from that touchdown McGahee just stole. Watch me lose by five points this week!
This is it, December: crunch time. One inopportune misfortune, perhaps a slip one yard from a touchdown, and that's all it takes to be eliminated from the fantasy football playoffs. That's the thrill of it. All that time projecting a player's performance through anticipating the variables, injuries, strength of opponent, and recent statistical trends, all hinges on one or two plays. One broken tackle can be the difference between extolling the audacious player for defying the ESPN "Fantasy Experts" and starting the unheralded waiver wire running back over the first round gem and mercilessly ridiculing him. Ultimately, five months of awkward screaming in front of a television in front of many others can all come down to that one final, longest yard. How beautiful, yet cruel!
But fantasy football is more than one defining moment; it's about the team! It's not about me, Ray Rice, Maurice Jones Drew, DeAngelo Williams or any of the players on the roster. It's about Sugar Rey, Mighty Mouse, and Double Trouble, as I call them, the teammates. That's their identity. It's the concept of team that allows me to think my Team Pretty Boyz can do the impossible and win as a 54 point underdog and fight another week.
Those other 19 who play in the NFL will never experience this team, but they are still alive and active. I communicate with them with every awkward scream to that television. It's those screams and realizations of the team that make fantasy football. That's what all the pressure and emotion is about; knowing each event carries twenty times the weight. But ultimately from that weight of 19 monsters that carry me, that impossible is nothing! I need that sense of invincibility; I need every bit of it for when I open page 417 of my physics book.
anybody please, i'll return the favor, deadline in 8 hrs. thanks alot
"One inopportune [...], just one of those ill timed misfortunes and that's all it takes to send my dream team home."
By saying inopportune and ill timed misfortunes, you are repeating the same idea of one thing can make the biggest difference so only use one or the other.
"Bounces off a tackle, spins forward, dives, did he get in... YES HE DID TOUCHDOWN WILLIS MCGAHEE!"
"GAAAAAAAAAAAH! Way to just steal my thunder. Just give the ball to Ray Rice! He's the one who does all the dirty work; those six points from that touchdown should be Ray Rice's! Watch me loose by five points this week". This is a bit confusing. Is this a dialogue or is the same person speaking? Maybe you could just take one of these out.
This is it, December: crunch time. One
inopportune missed field goal or dropped touchdown, and boom font#FF0000]- just one of those ill timed misfortunes and that's all it takes to send my dream team home. Five months of arduously working the trading block to find value for my disappointing players and staying up until 3:01 AM every Tuesday and Thursday to beat my opponents to that highly sought running back who exploded for 26 points last week off the waiver wire are for naught.I would definiantly split this sentence up, perhaps start with "I spent the past five months..." Five months of awkward screaming in front of a television in front of many others lead nowhere.
But fantasy football isn't about the emotion and hard work; it's all about the team.Okay, this theme just jumps out of nowhere, making it seem forced. Maybe you could allude to it more at the beginning, where you talk about your disapointments in the "team" - idk - either that or start your essay with this - maybe discuss at the beginning why you love fantasy football more than regular. In fact, while I'm on the subject of your intro, its really not that great (It could just be that the whole narratve thing you had going on wasn't really clear). But, maybe you start out with a description, how it feels to play fantasy football (which also might show you in a better light, than spending the first half of your essay expressing your frustrations with a fantasy game) It's not about me, Ray Rice, Maurice Jones Drew, Jonathan Stewart DeAngelo Williams or any of the players on the roster Haha, maybe its because I am not familiar with the game (other than the fact I know my TOK teacher plays it) but this is also confusing - are you listing the team members??? If so, then doesn't that contradict your next statement... . It's about Sugar Rey, Mighty Mouse, and Double Trouble, as I call them, the team members. Here, on this team, that's their identity.
It's the concept of team that allows me to feel a sense of optimism. It's the idea of team that lets me think Team Pretty Boyz Is that the name of your team? You should really indicate that, instead of assuming the reader knows what you're referring to - granted I am not at all familiar with fantasy football - but your AdOff might not be either... can do the impossible;ahahahaha the infamous semi-colon =) Make the next bit a complete sentence please. win as a 56 point underdog and live another week. I know that with being carried by the weight of 19 others, impossible is nothing. Hmmm, this is really underdeveloped.
Those other 19 who play in the National Football league?? will never experience this but
thosethat changes nothing. They are still alive and an active part of the team. I communicate with them with every awkward scream to the television. It's those screams, those realizations of the team that make fantasy football. That's fantasy football, that's what all the pressure, emotion and work of fantasy football is about; knowing each event carries the twenty times the weight.
Overall, your theme feels a bit underdeveloped. It also isn't connected - you start by saying that it is about the "team" while you end by implying it is about "teamwork" - I would talk about teamwork instead of "the team," which is a bit ambiguous anyway. Like I mentioned earlier - it kind of jumps out of nowhere as well - consider moving things around.
I hope my comments make sense and help! Don't sweat it too much if you have difficulty incorporating my critiques into your essay (I know the deadline is soon!) I was only being so harsh, because I read other things that you've written that were much better. This is fine though!
Best of luck to you!
thanks alot, yeah i know this isnt my greatest writing, but heres the problem, i only have one other short essay to choose from and its basically the same theme as my longer essay. All the other essays I've written are over 500 words, theres no way i have time to edit them now. I liked my theme, i talked about a religious speech i gave in the other(im using my brown supplement as one of my unc essays), and i felt the combo of a more serious topic w/ this would be good. My short 150 common app essay is about a religious music idea, if i included it it would make me seem to religious, i want to show a diff side of me. Thanks for the feedback though, i actually liked this essay better than most i've written, with all due respect and i really dont mean to disparage you in anyway, but i think that maybe your lack of fantasy football knowledge might have hurt you understand this essay and subsequently not think of it nearly as highly. I'm not saying this is a great essay by any stretch and my adcom might also not know anything about fantasy football, but i think im gonna stick w/ the topic and i dont know how much i can change in the limited time i have left. My best hope is that they adcoms like this essay more than you do, i think what htey think of the topic and what they know about it says alot about how this essay will be received.
Thanks alot, though, will take a look at yours, although my advice i'll tell you arleady is dont over stress about mine either, w/ so little time left hte more you stress and try to fix things, the worse it'll probabably be. I'll try fixing in some of your critiques though and read yours asap.
Thanks alot, good luck any other comments greatly appreciated will return favor
btw, i did revise the essay a little, although i dont want to force changes too much now, feel free to take a look, although your opionion probably wont change much
Well I like this one better, it was easier to follow.
1) Your intro still confuses me on who exactly is speaking - but could just be me I guess.
2) That's their identity. What is "that"? Do you mean: The team is their identity.
3) I think your mention of "19" in your conclusion is a bit confusing. "Those other 19..." what exactly??? Haha, coulld just be me, are you referring to the real NFL in this sentence?
4) I only understod your mention of "19 monsters" becasue I read your other essay.
5) Haha, that last bit is just tacked on there. If you're going to randomly tie your essay to a real life situation - I would do something that has to do with a program or curriculum at UNC... Otherwise - just take that out...
Other than that, its much better. Also, I think talking about sports for UNC wasn't a bad strategy! =)
I guess I think inopportune misfortune is redundant. I thought for a long time, because I'm not sure... but... I guess the reader might think you are trying too hard to use the word "inopportune."
"inopportune moment" is cliched, i think, but you could write:
misfortune event, perhaps a slip one yard from a touchdown, and that's is all it takes to be eliminated from the fantasy football playoffs.