PROMPT: Tell us a story that helps us better understand a person, place, or thing you find inspiring
He stuttered, struggling to get the words out. "After my-my brain injury, I-I-I was very depressed and suicidal...". He closed his eyes in frustration, searching his brain for where he had left off, as I sat silently awaiting the rest of his story.
At 26 years old, Brian was hit by a car while riding his bicycle. On impact, Brian's life changed forever. His life was turned upside down and he had little desire to set it right. Instead of shooting hoops with friends in the park, he was learning how to walk again. For the first time, eight long years later, he walked into Great Expectations Together (GET), the non-profit where he works and I volunteer. Since then, GET has mended his life immensely. Initially, Brian volunteered all of his free time. Now, he holds a paid position teaching a writing class that puts his college degree to work.
Just as GET lifted Brian out of his darkest depths, GET has changed my life. The GET program and the people who dedicate their hard work and time continually inspire me. Through working with people like Brian, I have come to realize how fortunate I am and that it is possible to provide an inclusive place where people of all ages and abilities can feel at home.
Suddenly, Brian is pulled back to his thoughts. With no hesitation, stuttering, or signs of disability, he continues, "my life now has a fuller, richer purpose, and I have GET to thank".
Hi Fleur,
I would like to share my thoughts about your essay. Instead of focusing on your grammatical flaws, I would prefer to focus on your content. I hope you can follow through.
As you can see, the prompt is "Tell us a story that helps us better understand a person, place, or thing you find inspiring" . This means you need to specify your focus. In your essay, I notice that you have unconsciously explained two things simultaneously (correct me if I'm wrong). It seems confusing whether you are inspired by Brian or by GET. If, for example, you are getting inspired because of both things. You need to mention it clearly since the very beginning of your essay. Perhaps, this sentence "The GET program and the people who dedicate their hard work and time continually inspire me." can be appeared in the beginning part of your essay.
There you have it Fleur, I think you just need to change the format of your essay by following the above-mentioned feedback. It is also up-to-you whether you want to do that or not. I am just sharing my opinion. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance.
Hope this helps :)
Thank you for your awesome feedback!
Does this make it more clear? Also, could you comment on my style and prose?
[...]
Initially, Brian volunteered all of his free time. Now, he holds a paid position teaching a writing class that puts his college degree to work.
Just as GET inspired Brian to pick himself back up, GET has inspired me. The GET program and the dedicated, hard-working volunteers continually motivate me to make a difference in my community. I am proud to be a part of an organization that provides an inclusive place where people of all ages and abilities can feel at home.
Suddenly, Brian is pulled back to his thoughts. With no hesitation, stuttering, or signs of disability, he continues, "my life now has a fuller, richer purpose, and I have GET to thank".
hello there,,
let me give some suggestions for you. I hope that some suggestion can help and increase your writing...
For the first time( in first time ), eight long years later, he walked into Great Expectations Together (GET),
the non-profit where( which)
Since then,( Then, ) GET has mended his life immensely.
Now, he holds a paid position teaching a writing( please make it clear) class that puts his ...
Justas( it more better if you put subject in the first sentence and as far as i know that putting sentence in first paragraph is forbidden) GET lifted Brian out of ...
I hope those correction can help your writing..
i do apologize if i make mistake in my correction..
Good job...
