Hello everyone,
I'm looking for comments on grammar (specifically tense and sentence structure), overall content, and if it answers the prompt.
Thanks for reading! I appreciate it (:
Prompt #1:
Describe the world you came from-for example, your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Simple tender loving care is all I need to reach my goals and dreams. By creating a separate, idealized world― away from reality, where only he and I can enter― my boyfriend alleviates my pain and weaknesses. His unconditional love and care has helped me reconcile with past experiences that have posed obstacles in my recent growth and achievements.
My boyfriend accomplished a great feat by repairing my fragile confidence. Over the years, I lost many friends. Losing all these important relationships took a toll on my confidence, because I believed no one would accept me for who I was. My pessimistic feelings continued to stunt the pursuit of my dreams, until I met my boyfriend in eighth grade. It was unbelievable on how we made a connection so quickly. Soon, I realized that when I looked into his eyes, I saw this pain― a similar pain that I felt after feeling betrayed and forgotten. This subtle similarity helped us bond and erase the pain all together with each other's presence alone. As we grew closer through laughs and commitments, our own world began to form; a world where we would remove the growing stress and pressure that would hinder our personal growth. We constantly motivate one another to not let our old insecurities stop our potential in achieving greatness. We see the beauty in each other by confirming positive qualities and finding every "flaw" appealing and beautiful. He expresses my beauty as "the beauty that shines within," and I keep his words close to my heart. From this love, my confidence continues to thrive. My assumptions of failure dissipate with every minute shared with him. Without anything to negate my journey towards success, I feel unstoppable; I set higher goals and dreams, knowing that I have nothing to lose. I am empowered by this blessing of love, because despite all my past and future failures, I will always have someone who is proud of me.
I think it's sweet, but I don't think a boyfriend is a strong topic.
yeah I definitely know where you're coming from. I was a bit apprehensive at first in writing about it, but I'm going for it because he is much more significant than the term "boyfriend" describes.
thanks for your input =)
My college counselor told me that an admission counselor is looking for 3 things:
1. How has this shaped you into who you are today?
2. How has this prepared you for college?
3. How has this made you into an asset to the school?
I don't know if this is entirely true, but this is what I'm going off of.
A Personal Statement workshop was given at my school about a month ago and the speaker clearly stated to not talk about love affairs because it is inappropriate. I really don't think the admissions office is going to want to hear your love story, sorry.
Yeah its really hard to know what exactly admissions are looking for, but to me I would find it difficult to address all those things within one prompt because ideas can become irrelevant and unnecessary to the prompt.
Depending on the student, I feel that what you fill in to the application (grades, extracurricular, educational programs) shows a general summary of how you are in school and what kind of things prepared you for college (addreses the questions 2 and 3, i think) and its just the students choice if they want to be more specific on what they've done.
Lets just all hope that we get into the university we want =)
oh okay thanks for that Nickle I'll take that into consideration.
Good evening :)
I think that the subject is definitely a rare one. The prompt opens it up to include "family" and he could someday be a family member. I think that if he is a large part of your environment, he is an appropriate subject. Now, the important thing is how you analyze the rest of the prompt and integrate your relationship with him into it. While the three topics mentioned above are definitely stapes of the admission board, your overall presentation of yourself is also looked at. With that said, how has he helped shape you as a person? It seems like he has given you a great deal of self-confidence; how will this help you in college? You will probably take more academic chances and be a confident student; how does this relate to you being an asset to the college? You will make good grades and do great things. This type of train of thought could be implemented into your piece to make him "more than a boyfriend" and more of a positive force on the person/student you are/will become. If you go at this piece from this angle it will be much more credible, serious, and strong.
Regards,
Gloria
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