Prompt:
2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
4. What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?
So, I am hoping to receive a critique on this because I just don't know how I feel about it...THANK YOU!
"Lights, camera, action!" I yell to my cousins as we film the closing scene for our sequel to the film "Zoolander." John, our makeshift Zoolander, wearing a tight pair of bell-bottoms and pink t-shirt, courtesy of my sister Emily, repeats the closing line to our short film with the excitement from his face fading into disinterest. Suddenly, I realize that the fate of our films rests in this last take's delivery as the second our star loses interest, he will inevitably take the rest of our four person cast and crew with him, and tell him very seriously, as I am a year older than him, that he needs to say the line correctly...or else. He delivered the line perfectly.
Of course the movie we made ended up being outright nonsense that we still look to as cinematic genius that will forever go unsurpassed by everyone. But, the fact of the matter is that these group projects that we did together have had a profound effect on the person that I have become.
From directing I gained skills in leadership-understanding how to assert jurisdiction over my peers without being forceful or dictatorial, and as a result, I believe I have truly learned how to work gracefully when put into a group work scenario. While from being apart of the cast I have learned how to work with my peers when put into difficult situations and have greatly developed my abilities to understand the opinions of colleagues without being judgmental or harsh, and to be considerate of those I am working with.
My family has had a huge impact on the person that I have become-learning to work with each other, discovering how to become outgoing with my sister when we moved, or gaining my desire to help people and make a difference in my community due to my grandmother's philanthropist work.
Because of the impact my family has had on me, I am prepared to make a difference in the UCF community and further develop who I am alongside my sister, Emily, who is currently attending UCF.
"Lights, camera, action!" I yelled to my cousins as we filmed the closing scene for our sequel to the film "Zoolander." John, our makeshift Zoolander, wearingwore a tight pair of bell-bottoms and a pink t-shirt, courtesy of my sister Emily , repeats the closing line to our short film with theas the excitement from his face faded to disinterest. Suddenly, I realized that the fate (I think 'fate' is the incorrect word to use here.) of our films rests in thisdepended on this last take's delivery as. The second our star loses interestJohn lost interest, naturally everything along with the film will lose it's quality as well, (a suggestion on how to rephrase it. If you can come up with something better, use it) he will inevitably take the rest of our four person cast and crew with him, andtell himI told himvery seriously, as I am a year older than him, that he needs to say the line correctly...or else. He delivered the line perfectly.
^(The '...' is so anticlimatic. It just prepares the readers for something lame)
Of course the movie we made ended up being outright nonsense that we still look to as cinematic genius that will forever go unsurpassed by everyone.
^Revise this sentence.
But, the fact of the matter is that these group projects that we did together have had a profound effect on the person that I have become .
me
From directinghaving directedthis film, I have gained skills in leadership by understanding how to assert jurisdiction (I am not sure if you 'assert' jurisdiction. See if other people comment on this) over my peers without being forceful or dictatorial, and as a result, I believe I have truly learned how to work gracefully when put into a group work scenario.
^
It is a good thing that I removed the 'or else' part. Because that sounds threatening and forceful, which completely contradicts your stated beliefs above. :)
While from being apart of the cast I have also learned how to work with my peers when put into difficult situations and I have greatly developed my abilities to understand the opinions of colleagues without being judgmental or harsh, and to be considerate of those I am working with.
My family has had a huge impact on the person that I have become-
learning to work with each other, discovering how to become outgoing with my sister when we moved, or gaining my desire to help people and make a difference in my community due to my grandmother's philanthropist work.
^Make that in the past tense so that there is tense parallelism.
The paragraph also needs a fair bit of revision. It is way too long. By the way, it is philanthropic work. Philanthropists are those that do philanthropic work.
Because of the impact my family has had on me, I am prepared to make a difference in the UCF community and further develop who I am alongside my sister, Emily, who is currently attending UCF.
^Nah. Weak.
Are you answering two seperate prompts? Or are you merging two answers in one essay?
Well anyways, you do not talk about any qualities you can contribute to UCF.
Secondly, I would not say you are right on track to answering the first prompt either.
If you want to talk about your granny, you can say how it has been a family tradition to help people, and THAT has influence you to pursue philanthropic activities. That addresses the prompt question, a lot better.
Develop your essay. It needs the development.
I just don't know how I feel about it
Why do you say this? Stay with your mixed feelings. Write down (just for yourself) both your positive feelings and your misgivings. Doing so will lead you toward an even more authentic self-expression.
Your current essay is more the sort of thing you might write for a "expand on one of your activities" prompt. It doesn't really deal with the prompt you say you have to write on, though. There are some details that might touch on the topic, but not enough for your purposes. Try writing a new essay after brainstorming answers to the prompt questions.
I agree with sean, i don't think this essay answers either of the questions. Try to expand on your directing skills
