Corrections and Tips are appreciated!
Question: It is three weeks before the start of your freshman year at BU, and you are talking to your new roommate for the first time. Since you are trying to get to know each other, what are a few things you would want to share about who you are?
Answer:
Whenever i meet someone new,whom i know i shall be spending a long time with, i want to make sure he becomes insightful with whom i am wether i be a disappointment to them or not. Some things i would like to share would be about whom i am, where i come from, and express the values of my life. I'd explain to my roommate how i came from nothing, and turned my life into something. As a child, i wasn't the happiest camper around the block. My family struggled throughout my toddler years, but eventually found a solution to our problems. My mother became successful by working for an accountant firm which later led her to hold the title of Vice President. Before you know it, my family was living in one of the most affluent towns in the state of Massachusetts, but let me assure that i do not ever flaunt of this. My mother showed me that when failure knocks you down, you get back up and give success another try.Growing up in urban New York, I witnessed failure and made a promise to myself that i would always become someone successful. At this point i believe my roommate would understand how my head works. He'd understand how great opportunities lead to success.
I think it is a good essay but don't think i will talk so much about my family if I talk with a stranger for the very first time. How about trying to talk about your hobbies, ambition or your extracurricular activities that you have done and expand it from there.
Hi Kris, you should use simpler sentences. Use shorter sentences.
Capitalize "I"...
Whenever I meet someone new, someone with whom I know I shall be spending a lot of time, I want to make sure he gains insight into the person I am and whether I am a disappointment or not. ----I simplified this and corrected the grammar.
Some things i would like to share would be about whom I am, where i come from, and express the values of my life. ---I took out EXPRESS because it messed up the grammar. In this sentence, you are listing 3 things you want to share. Share is the verb.
My mother showed me that when failure knocks you down, you get back up and give success another try.----Excellent! Great sentence.
:-)
