Hey guys i need help with my setback essay! all comments are appreciated!
Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?
1ST DRAFT
Most of my friends don't remember eight grade. For them, it was not an important year of their life. Eight grade was a year I'll never forget. Eight grade was the year my parents separated.
We were living in Amman, Jordan for a transition year before moving to France. My father's job was already set up there, and he came down to visit about every three weeks. At the time, everything seemed fine between my parents; then again, I was only twelve years old. I was oblivious to any kind of arguments and problems between them.
I remember that first disturbing night so vividly. The screaming, the glasses breaking, the tears shedding, all right in front of my eyes as I was going to kiss my parents goodnight. From then until the last day in Amman, a visit from papa meant a sleepless weekend due to constant fighting.
My parents officially separated when we moved to France. As much as I wanted to be thirteen year old about to start his adolescence, I was forced into becoming the man of the house. Mama was depressed for most of the next two years, and my eight year old sister could not cope with not having her father around. Although I could not handle the situation myself, I knew that I had to take charge and take more care of my family. Living in the past was not an option anymore and a new future had to begin.
It has now been five years since the separation, and a lot has changed since. My sister is now thirteen years old and about to take on adolescence herself. As I know how trying this time can be in a divided household, I try and be a role model for her. I help her with her homework, train her for junior varsity sports, As for my mother, I make sure that whenever she is feeling down, I'm there to listen. When it comes to family decisions, she and I discuss both our views weighed equally. Instead of a mother-son superiority, we share a kind of partnership in running my house. I have just as many responsibilities at home as a husband would.
As hard as this was growing up, it made me a stronger person. Instead of losing myself in the mayhem, I rose above the situation and learned valuable life lessons. I now understand the value family, and how important it is to support one another during rough times. Now when a friend is struggling with their own issues at home, it would be no surprise to find me offering guidance and swearing to confidentiality their problems, which is what brought on my nickname "The Psychologist".
Some days I think back when my parents were together, and it disgusts me to know that I have to take the metro just to see my father. Nevertheless, I've learned a valuable lesson from it: sometimes life throws things at us which we do not fully comprehend, but it is what we make of it that is key.
I would perhaps combine some of the sentences in your first paragraph. Too many short lines makes it sound a little choppy.
"The screaming, the glasses breaking, the tears shedding" --> The screaming, the breaking of glasses, the shedding of tears [parallel structure requires them to all be nouns]
"As much as I wanted to be thirteen year old about to start his adolescence, I was forced into becoming the man of the house. " --> At the age of thirteen, I was excited to enter my adolescence; instead, I was forced into becoming the man of the house. [may or may not sound better, just another option]
I'm sorry I didn't quite have time to check the last three paragraphs for grammar, but I think you answer the prompt quite well.
very inspirational essay, raezzat
it seems like you put a lot of time into this, and once you make the corrections above, I have no doubt you will be accepted at Michigan :)
