<please critique>
prompt#1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Accompanied by mellifluous music and brilliant lights, I was dancing on the spacious stage. The performance seemed to delight the audience. All of the audience members were giving a standing ovation for me. I started to bow to them and wave my hand as my face stretched out into a genuine smile. I could feel the pride that I had never felt before. After the performance, people still wanted to see me and talk to me. They gave me a bouquet of flowers and gifts.
This performance was planned by one of my history teacher. One day, my history teacher suggested that I visit the senior citizens' home. He told me that people in senior citizens' home would be very pleasant, and also I would have a wonderful experience. I was not sure what exactly senior citizens' home was. I thought it was just a place that many of old people gather around. When my teacher suggested the idea, my mind raced with visions of eerily ancient, withered hands and faces. My own preconceptions about the elderly caused me a good deal of unnecessary fear. Apparently, my teacher could sense my concern. "Don't worry," he said, "You'll have a good time." I made one group with some of my friends, and we planed dance performance for the people in senior citizens' home. I practiced enthusiastically.
There were myriad people, including retired and disabled people in there. After my teacher introduced our group, we began the performance we had been practicing very diligently. Instead of a stage, we had a bare floor; instead of stage lights, we had a fluorescent lamp. This initially caused me some embarrassment, but I was determined to keep dancing. Everything I expected was not there at all, and I quite disappointed. And even cassette player was too old; we were having a problem with music too. But I kept dancing with a bland smile. I was hoping that they would understand my true heart. Eventually, people started react on our performance. They started move their bodies and dance with rhythm delightfully, and as soon as we were done they gave us a hearty warm cheer. They were touched by our performance, and my heart was full.
I had conversations with them after the performance. They mostly talked about their families. They told me that I made them remembered their granddaughters. They treated me as their real granddaughters too. I could feel how much they were missing their families and they were feeling loneliness. They gave treats and some of their keepsakes, such as bracelets they made, to my friends and me with saying thank us for the performance. Meant more to me than any of the gifts and flowers. I was surprised that they were pleased more than I expected. I realized that extended stage or colorful lights were not very important for communicating each other.
The senior citizens' home is not just a place where old people live out their last days. It is a place allows the elderly to ease their loneliness and pains, and obtain relief from sharing and communicating each other. Although the performance actually was not a grand spectacle, everyone enjoyed it. I believe the people in senior citizens' home have read my heart. Communication processes when people truly understand each other. This experience dispelled my preconceptions and gave me a new perspective about community. It was the beginning of my understanding of communication, and now I have a dream to interpret and construct people's massages through communication.
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please give me some advice
i need your help//
Good morning :)
Mechanically, this essay looks very clean. In regards to content, this is a very well organized response to the prompt. You describe the experience very well and relate it to how it has shaped your dreams. Your body sticks to your intro and your conclusion doesn't introduce any new information and wraps the piece up nicely. Great work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thank you so much!
Is there any grammar errors in here?
Is there anything i should add?
If so, please give some advice:)
and again,
Thank you very much for your help!
