Midnight Dove 1 / 1 Oct 25, 2011 #1This is a working essay that I want to use for the extracurricular section of my common app. My worries: is this too deep for this type of essay? is it too concise? Let me know your thoughts!* * * *After all the hustle and bustle of [my restaurant]'s Saturday dinner rush, there are a few jobs that need to be done. I had just begun these duties one night when two native Mexican workers passed by me holding food. I looked over at them as they ate.There- as they leaned against a dirty wall, eating food they could barely afford, a fly buzzing around their heads- I realized that this was the best life our society could give them. Because of the way they spoke and where they were from, they would never have the opportunities I have. We tend to overlook our blessings, but while working this job I have recognized that life has been much fairer to me than it has to others.
sarahadams 11 / 22 Oct 26, 2011 #2AT THE BEGINNING I DID NOT KNOW WHERE YOU WERE GOING BUT AS I CONTINUED TO READ I UNDERSTOOD WHAT YOU WERE SAYING SO LETS WORK TO FIX THE BEGINNINGAfter all the hustle and bustle of [my restaurant]'s Saturday dinner rush- some people would not understand what " hustle and bustle" mean but i think you should say "hectic" or "restless" or "strenuous" instead.there are a few jobs that need to be done- just say what your role was at work, what do you do,overall amazing!!!!!!!!!!