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UC Prompt 2: My Undying Passion (sport)

Janelle 3 / 20  
Nov 29, 2009   #1
UC Prompt #2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are.

This is just a rough draft, I know there is a lot of things I must work on. Constructive criticism please :). I realize that I use the word "upset" a lot but I haven't been able to find a good synonym for it, help with that would also be greatly appreciated.

With sports, I have been told that I am an ardor player; however, sometimes I let my temper get the better half of me. It was just her and I, we were the last people on the court, and both of our teams were diligently starring at our rally. The other team cheered, I was losing. We were closing in on our first set; she won 6-4, what a disappointment. Of course I was upset that I lost the first set, but I was more upset at my playing level. Everyone watching knew I was capable of being a lot more accurate.

I am on the Girls Varsity Tennis Team at my school, which I have been playing on for three years. There were about twenty girls on my team, and I was in the top five. We had a game versus our rival school, Harbor High, and I was playing number three-singles.

I get easily angry with myself, especially when I am not using my strengths to my fullest potential and because I have such a powerful love for the game, I get even more upset when my format is incorrect. She served and I thought I was ready, the easy ball came towards me and I hit deep, too deep. I kept on thinking "what is wrong with me." The angrier I got, the more points she scored.

I realized that my getting angry was not going to increase my points, if anything, it was helping my opponent defeat me. As I walked over to my side of the court, I figured out that my opponent was a soft hitter and I had a lot more strength and stamina then she did. If I took control of where I placed the ball I could pull through the match and win. I won the second match 6-3, then the third 6-4. I was filled with joy, I knew I could win, I just had to let my love for the game sink in and calm me down.

Displaying frustration is not going to help me succeed, but my eagerness to win will. If I have a vehement desire, all I have to do is put my head on straight and go for it. When I love something, I have a strong aspiration for it. With tennis, I have such a great zeal that I get what I call a "tennis rush." I love to play and I always want to figure out ways to be better. If I whine about losing, it is not going to contribute to my progression as a tennis player. As much as I idolize Serena Williams, I do not want to look like a fool over lost points. I win some and I lose some, all I can do is practice.
luu123 5 / 11  
Nov 29, 2009   #2
hey, i like your essay! i just submitted my app yesterday!

i think you should maybe use another word rather than 'passion' since its a little bit of a cliche? try portraying your passion, but without actually using that particular word!

also, maybe explain yourself a little better, since non-tennis players might find it a little bit hard to follow your essay!
FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 29, 2009   #3
Instead of saying "my passion to win will help me succeed" you might want to rephrase it, ie. emphasizing on how you can keep your cool no matter WHAT's happening, to me it seems like the first version seems like youre betting everything on the winning aspect of it.
OP Janelle 3 / 20  
Nov 29, 2009   #4
Thank you!!! I notices I needed another word other than "passion" because it becomes redundant.
ralfsantacruz 1 / 3  
Nov 29, 2009   #5
try describing how you grew from your experience, tell how you developed a deeper respect for the game and sportsmanship values
OP Janelle 3 / 20  
Nov 29, 2009   #6
Revised...feedback is much appreciated!!! This essay now has 467 and my other essay has 690(Ludicrous: My Childhood) so ideas on how to shorten them would also help, thank you!!!

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