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"Unforgettable Golf Game" - UF Prompt


ShoKhun 1 / 2  
Jul 26, 2010   #1
Hello,
This is a rough draft of my application essay and I need somebody to critique it!!
I'm not sure if this essay is good enough for submission... T.T
I don't know if I wrote enough on the affect your college experience/contribution to the UF campus community part...
Thanks!


In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

My heart was pounding as I teed off for my last golf game of the season. For a person who started learning golf 4 months ago, I was pretty lucky to be playing in the districts. I didn't have a lot of experience but I thought 2 months of my life as a golf team member was good enough. I was wrong. I was conceited and ignored my coach's warning, "keep track of your own score but most importantly, keep track of your opponents' scores!" I played with two other people and everything was going smoothly without delay but about halfway through, I noticed one of my opponents lying about her score. She said her score was 9 when it was actually 13. My other opponent and I argued against her because there was no way that it was 9. We counted her shots from the beginning and it was 13. She apologized and said she had made a counting error. We continued to play but I began to sense something odd about her. On some of the holes, my shots were clearly better than hers but my score was not. I wanted to say something but did not because I was not perfectly certain and didn't want to embarrass myself.

As I putted my last hole, I felt a sense of satisfaction because I had worked so hard this season and thought I had done well! I was wrong again. A few minutes after my group signed our scorecards, I found out that the girl did cheat on some of the holes and my other opponent's mom, who had followed my group, keeping track of all of our scores, had noticed the girl cheating and notified our coaches. My mind went blank for about a minute and I was feeling many emotions at once: anger, humiliation and disbelief. Nothing could be done about this situation because we had already signed our scorecards. I was furious and disappointed at myself and regretted not saying anything so I went to look for the girl but she had disappeared. I learned a valuable lesson that day and made a promise to myself to never let something like this happen again in the future and to be responsible for everything I do. I don't blame anybody for what happened that day but me. I was cheated on because I was careless. Ever since that incident I became very vigilant and observant of my surroundings. I am a person who learns a lot from experience and this experience will definitely help me have a safe and honest time at UF. I was never a dishonest student but this experience has taught me to never lie or cheat because I learned how much that hurts other people. I became a more responsible person and meticulous about everything I do. I try to not do anything I would regret in the future by speaking what is on my mind so I know that I will have the best time at UF.
rajeshaaidu 2 / 31  
Jul 26, 2010   #2
Dear Kim,

To comment on your writing, I need few more information. Please mention for what course and which grade you are applying for. Another thing that you have to keep in mind while writing is that what is the purpose of the writing and why college wants an essay from you. What they want to judge from your writing?

Thanks and regard,
Rajesh
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Jul 27, 2010   #3
Hi Jisun!

golf 4 months ago

I've read somewhere that in formal writing, the numbers less than hundred should always be spelt out.

I had done well! I was wrong again.

I'm not really sure about this, but isn't the exclamation mark in the wrong place?

It's an intriguing essay. I liked the way you expressed the lessons learned from that experience.

Good luck!
OP ShoKhun 1 / 2  
Jul 27, 2010   #4
rajeshaaidu

Sorry for the lack of information.
This is for UF undergraduate application freshmen essay.
I'm trying to write about my personal/meaningful experience and how that is going to affect my time at UF.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jul 27, 2010   #5
Look at where I put the commas:
I played with two other people, and everything was going smoothly, without delay but about halfway through I noticed one of my opponents lying about her score.

I was furious and disappointed at myself and regretted not saying anything, so I went to look for the girl but she had disappeared.

You write very well! I just moved some commas.

That last sentence in the essay is confusing. ----I became a more responsible person and meticulous about everything I do. I try to not do anything I would regret, but I also do not hesitate to speak what is on my mind. I will have the best time at UF.
OP ShoKhun 1 / 2  
Jul 27, 2010   #6
Thank you so much!
I was having trouble with the last sentence and I like it how it sounds now!
Do you think I answered the prompt well? Also, do you think I need to write more about the UF part and less about my experience?

I feel like I wrote too much on my experience and too little on the affect your college experience/contribution to the UF campus community part... but I'm not sure...
rajeshaaidu 2 / 31  
Jul 27, 2010   #7
Dear Kim,

I think you are right. You wrote too much about your experience. So, it's a good idea to focus on the second part of your suggestion.

Thanks and regard,
Rajesh
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jul 28, 2010   #8
Do you think I answered the prompt well? Also, do you think I need to write more about the UF part and less about my experience?

I think you did answer the prompt well, and your point is distinct... interesting. However, it just seems incomplete. I don't want to impose my own opinion, but it seems to me that the next step is to go beyond awareness training to a point where you are practicing something else. For example, what is more meaningful than not allowing yourself to be cheated? Maybe it is not allowing others to be cheated. So you can be a protector of others.

And yes, I think the most important part is when you discuss the implications for your future.

:-)


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