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Unfortunate circumstances - UBC essay question for admission


aaron_20222 1 / -  
Dec 30, 2019   #1
Hi there, I was wondering if anyone could provide me with advice in regards to one of my UBC application essays. The question was,

"

Tell us about who you are.


How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)"

here is my answer:

My past physical weakness and my brother. These two components of my life define my character. A few years ago , my physical characteristics were an aspect I was self conscious of as I was very lanky. However, when I was fifteen years old, I decided to change myself. I started going to train at the gym every single day by lifting weights. Slowly but surely, my body changed and I became muscular through dedication. In addition to this, my self confidence improved. Through my transformation, I would describe myself as an individual who strives to make change and defeat hardships regardless of disadvantages. I am proud of my transformation because it taught me the importance of ambition in order to succeed in achieving goals.

If I was to tell you who I was, the traits I would tell you about myself have partly derived from being around my brother. He was born with autism which is a learning disability. However, he showed me many significant life lessons. My brother showed me true optimism. Regardless of unfortunate circumstances, he always exudes happiness through the smaller givings. I would describe myself as an optimist from being around him as I always work with maximal effort regardless of the position I am in just like him. My family would describe me as a caring and considerate individual through how I take care of my brother. My friends and other peers would describe me as a resilient individual who handles the hardships of life head on without failure.

harsh003 1 / 1 1  
Jan 10, 2020   #2
These are a few grammatical and sentence structure changes i made that you can consider.

"My past physical weakness and the love for my brother, these two components of my life define my character"
"regardless of the disadvantages"
"A few years ago , my physical characteristics were an aspect I was ... very lanky a factor of negative self-consciousness as I was very frail in appearance. However, when I was ... change myself. But instead of despair, i decided to change this by training my body starting at the age of 15. I started going to train ... lifting weights. Slowly but surely, my body became muscular through hard-work and dedication."

, also please check out my UBC profile essay as well and provide feedback. Thank youu :D
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,017 2713  
Jan 13, 2020   #3
The essay doesn't respond to the prompt. You are telling me about your brother with special needs when the prompt is asking you to discuss how your family, friends, and community members would describe you. You did not get the point of the prompt at all. You must address all of the people required in the essay, using their point of view to describe who you are. You only get to talk about yourself in the last part of the response. Do not focus on your brother, focus on the aspects required for discussion based on the prompt requirements. This essay is not about your relationship with your brother. It is about your relationship with the people around you. So discuss how they see you as a person. You can use your brother's POV as a reference point for "family" if you wish, but it cannot be the whole discussion point of the essay.


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