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Uni Admission Essay - I am more than just my grades

HSY 1 / -  
Jan 12, 2017   #1
Hi!!!! This is my personal statement to apply for university. I feel that my essay is boring and it doesn't capture much attention. I need help :( Thank you so much!!!

Describe the highlights of your most outstanding achievements or contributions (Maximum: 300 words). (300 WORDS MAX.)

ups and downs in secondary school and then in Polytechnic

I kept failing during the first two years in secondary school. I told myself, this cannot be my life. I had to start now, or it's never going to happen. I worked hard in my third year onwards and it was acknowledged. I've received EAGLES award (2013), Academic Achievement and Excellence Awards (2012). For my CCA, I had the opportunity to lead the dance team as a vice-captain during my last year. We clinched Gold and Distinction for SYF in 2011 and 2013 respectively. I choreographed a piece for the dance team and was fortunate enough to have it selected and subsequently performed for Teachers Day. I take pride in this achievement as it required a huge deal of confidence and patience on my part as holding that much responsibility and having the whole team counting on me was a first for me.

Polytechnic years were a bit different. I felt lost. I craved for a change, so I joined Dragonboat (DB) in Temasek. DB is a sport that encompasses the elements of power, speed, synchronization and endurance. My first year was a struggle. I have never taken up any sports. I dreaded every training because I was just not strong enough, not fast enough. But I was not giving up. Every training I pushed myself to my maximum and with each training, my weaknesses were diminishing. I woke up every morning knowing that it's mind over matter. The second year, I rose through the ranks and was appointed as a secretary. Together with my teammates, we clinched third for POL-ITES (2015) under Women's Category and second for Mixed Category.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,635 3478  
Jan 12, 2017   #2
Hilya, the essay provides a good insight into your achievements in academics and the arts. However, the reviewer will not be familiar with the awards that you won so a simple explanation as you how one qualifies for such an award is forthcoming for the benefit of the reviewer. I will admit that your dossier is pretty impressive in the field of academics, sports, and the arts. However, there is a missing link in your essay.

Don't you have any internship or work opportunities in a related field to your chosen major to share? The university obviously gives a high degree of importance to work related experience or training in their final consideration so you should be able to share something along the lines of the major that you are applying to. I hope you only forgot to include that paragraph in the essay and you will not tell me that you do not have any work experience to share because we will have a problem in addressing that specific prompt requirement in your essay.
masonn8 3 / 7 4  
Jan 13, 2017   #3
Wow, you seem very well rounded and all of these awards are really impressive. I don't think your essay sounds boring, I think it answers the prompt well. Maybe you could make it a bit more personal though

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