Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My family is unique to say the least. From being a small town boy in India to a successful manager in California, my father, like many others in my family, has emigrated from rural regions of India to reach similar heights in the ever-glorious cities of Los Angeles, New York and Boston. Starting off with a measly twenty dollars in his pocket, my dad stepped onto American soil. Even though in dire need of money, his objective was not to work in this "land of opportunity," but rather to educate himself and set up a brighter future. He could have easily have found work with the bachelors degree he has achieved in India but he wanted to attain his masters so he would be better off in the long run. During his time at college, he scoured the area for part-time jobs in order to afford his apartment rent and educational fees by working late hours and getting minimal hours of sleep. After this dreadful process over a two year span ended, he had finally received his master's degree, and was ready to go out and finally put the past behind him. By seeing the tremendous hardships my immediate family-members have faced, I have learned that education is the key behind any aspirations I may set. And in order to attain my ambitions, working hard is crucial to becoming successful in my life and career. No matter the circumstances and the hardships an educational degree will always remain to one's name and will come in handy during the ups and downs of the economic system. Growing up and living in California my entire life, I have been using the same virtues that helped my father strive and obtain a successful career. Throughout my childhood, my father has always ushered into my mind that education is the key ingredient to success and now this philosophy has become a part of me. I have learned that education is in fact the key to unlocking all doors in life. My dreams have always revolved around living the greatest life but always knowing the price you have to pay for it by studying hard to obtain higher level learning such as masters in a respected field. I am looking forward to the flexibility and an opportunity of college since the high school curriculum was too strict ï requiring me to take many courses, many of which are general and not detailed or involved. College will allow me to align my education with the type of person I hope to be; so it's not about the money, but about the skills that I will pick up in college. Education will be the key that will shape and evolve my personality and life knowledge.
Nishil Patel
Hi!
I like your essay, but I think it focuses almost too much on your father. Here are a few comments I have.
My family is unique to say the least.
I encourage you to strive for a more unique opening line. You say your family is unique, but (1) you really only talk about your father, and (2) there are countless essays submitted to the UC system about family members emigrating from India (or wherever).
From being a small town boy in India to a successful manager in California, my father, like many others in my family, has emigrated from rural regions of India to reach similar heights in the ever-glorious cities of Los Angeles, New York and Boston.
You start to get a little repetitive here. Try something like, "Going from small-town boy in India to successful manager in California, my father emigrated from rural roots and worked hard in cities like Los Angeles, New York, and Boston in search of the American Dream." Or something.
Starting off with a measly twenty dollars in his pocket, my dad stepped onto American soil. Even though in dire need of money, his objective was not to work in this "land of opportunity," but rather to educate himself and set up a brighter future. He could have easily have found work with the bachelors degree he has achieved in India but he wanted to attain his masters so he would be better off in the long run. During his time at college, he scoured the area for part-time jobs in order to afford his apartment rent and educational fees by working late hours and getting minimal hours of sleep. After this dreadful process over a two year span ended, he had finally received his master's degree, and was ready to go out and finally put the past behind him.
Again, nothing so far has really said much about *you*.
By seeing the tremendous hardships my immediate family-members have faced, I have learned that education is the key behind any aspirations I may set.
You can probably change a few words here. Since you only describe your father, keep the essay focused by changing "my immediate family members" to simply "my father." Secondly, I don't know that I would focus on the "tremendous hardships" part. Instead, try something like "Knowing the challenges my father has overcome has taught me that education is the key to realizing my aspirations."
And in order to attain my ambitions, working hard is crucial to becoming successful in my life and career. No matter the circumstances and the hardships an educational degree will always remain to one's name and will come in handy during the ups and downs of the economic system. Growing up and living in California my entire life,
"Growing up and living in California my entire life,..." ... a bit redundant. Either "Having lived in California my entire life..." or "Growing up and living in California,..."
I have been using the same virtues that helped my father strive and obtain a successful career. Throughout my childhood, my father has always ushered into my mind
ushered into my mind reminded me(?)
that education is the key ingredient to success and now this philosophy has become a part of me.
This might flow better as two sentences. "...that education is the key ingredient to success. This philosophy has become a part of me.
I have learned that education is in fact the key to unlocking all doors in life.
You already said this with "key ingredient, etc."
My dreams have always revolved around living the greatest life but always knowing the price you have to pay for it by studying hard to obtain higher level learning such as masters in a respected field. I am looking forward to the flexibility and an opportunity of college since the high school curriculum was too strict - requiring me to take many courses, many of which are general and not detailed or involved. College will allow me to align my education with the type of person I hope to be; so it's not about the money, but about the skills that I will pick up in college. Education will be the key that will shape and evolve my personality and life knowledge.
Hmmm...maybe a more focused ending. What exactly do you want to study in college? Maybe tailor this last paragraph towards that.
Good job. This is, of course, just my two cents. Feel free to utilize or ignore whatever you wish. Good luck!
Transforming from a small town boy in India to a successful manager in California, my father, like many others in my family, has emigrated from rural regions of India to reach similar heights in the ever-glorious cities of Los Angeles, New York and Boston.
Excellent sentence!
Yes, Kelsey did some great work, and I agree especially that the ending needs to be more focused:
College will enable me to align my education with the type of person...No, no, it should say some specific things about U.C. and what make it the perfect place for your studies.
I hope to be; so it's not about the money, but about the skills that I will pick up in college. Education will be the key that will shape and evolve my personality and life knowledge. All of this.. you should try a different approach. Focus on the specifics about your academic and professional plans.
