"Unique, Journey and hardship" - the world I come from; UC Essay #1

this is really a rough draft of my essay.
obviously im not going to send this out of my email.
And i know it contain a lot of grammatic errors
what im trying to do is find somebody to review my ideas and thoughts of the essay.
given me some idea what should add in to it, and what should taken out.
Thanks so much for the help:)
conclusion will be edited after the correction.

Freshman applicant prompt
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspiration

Unique, Journey and hardship - the three words that pop up in my mind right after I see this prompt. Living in North Miami with my personality is quite comical compare to those students who live other states. My aspiration also shaped by the area that I am living in right now, maybe its aspiration is not based on me, but it really helps the people around me if I am going to successes.

People judged you by first sight. But after that, they will find out what do you have inside. My personality shaped by where I was living and who am I. I am not the youngest in my family. However, my little sister is not active enough. I always carry the job of making my family happy and you will always see the smile on my face. Separated with the family almost 5 years and I always want to perform my tricks for them to make them laugh. Instead of making laugh, I should make them to proud of their son and how can he become successful and get in to a good college and continue to study.

Because of the journey that I made, flew from Hong Kong to Miami, seeking for a better opportunities of education, I went from a familiar world to an unexpected world. The major populations of my school are Caribbean and South-American. Imagine an Asian guy stood among a thousand of student that do not look like him at all. This is some funny scene that always stays in my mind. But life is not an easy task; I needed to put double effort or even more than other classmate to accomplish the works, especially I am studying the most challenging program that my school offered, the International Baccalaureate program. Although I am lacking of a standard foundation compare with the others, I gained a respectable result in my academic performance. I know there is no a word called "perfect", but what I am trying to do is to seek for perfect in my life. Maybe I am not born with a perfect brain, but I can try my own best to cross the barriers that is blocking my ways to become succeed.

Dietetic and Nutrition is the field that I really interested in. It is not because I want to be a healthy role model on the advertisements. But where I am living in right now has a lot of obesity problems and unhealthy people. I had never eaten school lunch before. It is not because they taste bad nor look bad. However, the food is not appreciated by the cooks. They treated the food as item on the product line, sending them out without looking. Student seldom eat the food without knowing what are they are putting in to their food. I was wondering for a while is that the living style of these children. These really sparked my idea and what I want to be. Being health is the first step of being succeeded.

Okay, it's very rough. Almost too rough to really read easily. However though, i do see some things you can work with. I'm liking the new kid in school thing, but try to stick to the prompt more. Go with the world you come from first and then how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Also, when you start to talk about your dreams and aspirations, mention obesity and bad eating habits first, that way you can kind of give the reader a hint to what may come. The you can talk about what you want to study.


Unless you really like this line, I would take it out. It just seems kind of odd to respond literally directly to the prompt. This doesn't mean you have to take these words completely out of your essay, just out of that context. You can work them into your essay more effectively by answering the prompt.

For your intro i would maybe try to work in something about arriving in Miami after a long flight, something interesting that will entertain the reader but also relates to the world you come from; you feel?

One more thing, please work on your grammar. There are some very careless errors in there, it just makes you seem lazy when you don't fix them even it's just a first draft.

Good Luck