Unanswered [11] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5

Univ of Illinois Essay! ("girl from India")


Sravya312 1 / 2  
Jan 2, 2009   #1
Write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals. (300 words or less)

Imagine walking into a classroom as a 13 year old girl from India, a girl with dreams and wishes waiting to be fulfilled. That girl was me, Sravya. The society that I came from did not allow girls to dream. A girl is always considered inferior to a boy. I wanted to prove to the society that a girl can be on a par with a boy in any field.

I remember the first day when I walked into Timothy Edwards Middle School, strolling down the hallways, with my guidance counselor by my side. I was in awe of the library which silently stood in front of the lobby, and the computers which were omnipresent. The resources which are available to a student in this country are countless. At that moment, I saw my future here. When I think about my future, I paint a picture in my mind of a sophisticated young woman in her mid-twenties confidently marching through the streets of Manhattan. She would be an independent and powerful professional evaluating important documents and she would be needed by her colleagues. Having this picture in the back of my mind, I propelled through high school.

Some of the classes that I took in high school really encouraged me to seize my dream, especially Principles of Engineering. To explore engineering further, I took Introduction to Engineering at Manchester Community College over summer for three weeks. Learning about different types of engineering careers available, fascinated and motivated me. Learning about Fischertechnik ROBOPro Software to make a marble sorter was a unique yet a fun experience. These courses reinforced an indisputable desire to become a software engineer. Expanding my knowledge in engineering through University of Illinois would definitely help me achieve my aspirations.

any comments or critics are welcome...
Angela629 9 / 86  
Jan 2, 2009   #2
A girl is always considered inferior than a boy.

Learning about different types of engineering careers available fascinated and motivated me.

Learning about Fischertechnik ROBOPro Software to make a marble sorter was another unique yet a fun experience.

Well, I don't think your essay express the profession idea clearly. This is an important part of the question, but you didn't answer it in a very good way. You talk about how coming to US help you to fulfill the goal that you can study alongside others, however, some the third paragraph is just not so necessary. If I were you, I would write more about the experience I have or someone I met that helped me realize that I truly want to be a software engineer.

angela
icedbananas 1 / 12  
Jan 2, 2009   #3
Your essay is generally okay, but with a few grammatical errors.

Imagine walking into a classroom as a 13 year old girl from India, as a girl with dreams and wishes waiting to be fulfilled. That girl was me, Sravya. The society that I come from does not allow girls to dream - girls are always considered inferior to boys. I want to prove to the society that girls can be on a par with boys in any field.

I remember the first day when I walked into Timothy Edwards Middle School, strolling down the hallways, with my guidance counselor by my side. I was in awe of the library which silently stood in front of the lobby, and the computers which were omnipresent. The resources which are available to a student in this country are countless. At that moment, I saw my future here. When I think about my future, I paint a picture in my mind of a sophisticated young woman in her mid-twenties confidently marching through the streets of Manhattan. She is an independent and powerful professional evaluating important documents, and she is needed by her colleagues. With this this picture in the back of my mind, I propelled through high school.

Some of the classes that I took in high school really encouraged me to seize my dream, especially Principles of Engineering. To explore engineering further, I took Introduction to Engineering at Manchester Community College over summer for three weeks. Learning about the different types of engineering careers available, fascinated and motivated me. Learning about Fischertechnik ROBOPro Software to make a marble sorter was a unique yet a fun experience. These courses reinforced an indisputablemy strong desire to become a software engineer.

Expanding my knowledge in engineering through University of Illinois would definitely help me achieve my aspirations.

Hope that was helpful. Good luck! (:
OP Sravya312 1 / 2  
Jan 2, 2009   #4
hey thanks...
but it has to be under 300 words...
do u think i can maybe cut somethings...?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 4, 2009   #5
I think it is even better if you write "inferior to"

You can omit this sentence if you need to cut it down: Some of the classes that I took in high school really encouraged me to seize my dream, especially Principles of Engineering.

You might also think of condensing the first paragraph. It is cool, but I bet you can say it all in one short sentence that can go at the beginning of paragraph two. Then, paragraph 2 can become the first paragraph.

:)


Home / Undergraduate / Univ of Illinois Essay! ("girl from India")