'This university doesn't have the business major' - transfer ESSAY

All constructive help appreciated

Inventor Charles F. Kettering once said "Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice". This quote I once read in my library's Time magazine archive has resonated in me for years now; however it is only recently that this anecdote has found a special place in my heart, for it reminds me of a time where my father was in University. My father, a person I aspire to be like one day, was in University in war torn Iran during the First Persian gulf war in 1980; although all the odds were against him he stuck to his studies and through hard work and resilience he received an acceptance from New York University Stern School of Business as an international student, something very difficult to achieve even on this present day. Although due to political reasons he was never able to attend nonetheless, he still regards it as one of his greatest accomplishments. Now, now as a University student abroad in Israel I am beginning to follow my father's example and take my studies seriously. Being on my own for a year has thrust my cognition to a new level, my father struggled in college, stayed up late nights and always put his academics first and as a result is a successful business man to this day. I now understand the reason behind my father's studies in his college years and the importance of attending a respectable university. Through hard work and determination, my university studies are now at a high level and a level I know I can maintain. I now understand what the best is for me with my more mature outlook on life; as a result I know that transferring to a fine institution as your's can help me be all I can be. Although the university I am currently enrolled in is a fine institution in itself, unfortunately it doesn't have the business major, the major I wish to receive my B.A. in, in English. I am also looking for a university with a much broader campus life, a campus where I can make friendships that will last me a lifetime. Untimely I know that attending an institution with a strong business program can set my life on a path of success and even vicariously fulfill my father's dream of attending a top university business program and embody the quote "Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice".

the sentence beginning with "my father, a person.." is a run-on sentence. Try to break it into two sentences

"Now, now as a University..." -- used the word twice

"Being on my own for a year has thrust my.." change "thrust" to "thrusted"

"I know that transferring to a fine institution as your's can" - change your's to YOURS (not apostrophe)

Although the university I am currently enrolled in is a fine institution in itself, it doesn't have the business major i wish to receive which is a B.A. in English.

change untimely to "ultimately"

thanks any other info is very much appreciated!