University of California Application essay prompt 2 - "Perseverance"

Hey guys just wrote the essay below. Review and comments would be extremely helpful. thanks

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

As I sat down to write this essay I began to dig into the past. I looked past the high and lows with great enthusiasm and managed to figure out the one thing that made my journey from the low to the high possible. Perseverance.

I used to wonder what it would be like to be a whiz kid like Jim Sturgess (Ben Campbell) from the movie 21 or someone who never has to break a sweat to get good grades. Unfortunately, as far as my memory goes back I have always someone exactly opposite in character to Jim, studying literally 24 hours a day before an exam. One particular experience that I doubt I'll ever forget happened this past year during my GCE AS Level Examinations and the dreaded SATs. Load shedding was at its peak and generators could only do so much to supply backup power. During the days of my examination such was the case that I was found more on my roof than perhaps my own room, clutching my father's torchlight in one hand and the Kaplan's SAT word list in the other, with the cool breeze against my face, trying to get some of the high frequency words into my head.

It's safe to say working assiduously is something that is engraved in my personality regardless of the task. This was evident before my physics examinations. Although I am passionate about the subject and study it rather than anything else I have never been able to give a physics exam without studying till the last minute before the exam no matter how easy I found the syllabus of the examination. I was never satisfied with my preparation so I worked progressively harder approaching the exam.

After every examination I have grown in confidence knowing I can take on any predicament life throws at me even if I have to tackle it head on time and time again. Being termed as 'workaholic' by my friends and family was something that I was not content with considering I have always dreamt of being a 'laid-back' genius strolling through life, but I have learned to embrace it as my strongest suit and could not be any more proud of it. I've been counting on it for the past 17 years and I'm pretty sure the next 50 or 60 will not be any different!

interesting essay, overall, i would say its well written. but the metaphor about the generators and backup power was kind of random-ish.

Thanks. I thought it would add to how much i persevered to get my grades. Do you think I should omit it?

the idea itself its good. if you cant find a way to rephrase that to may it flow with your essay, then i suggest you omit it.

rockingthesea
the idea is good.