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University of California Personal Statement: What is your intended major?


tseki 1 / -  
Nov 18, 2014   #1
I just finished one part of my personal statement and I wanted to receive some criticism. Please take a look and thank you for your time.

My intended major is Mechanical Engineering. The society we live in today is packed with technology and its progression allows for a very exciting time to be living in. There are so many things changing in this world that is it impossible to keep up with everything let alone understand it all. As a mechanical engineering major, I want to be able to develop my skills and knowledge to contribute towards the technological changes that will occur in the future.

An engineer is someone who creates solutions to complex problems by using science and math. According to this definition, I could have called myself an "engineer" from a very young age. Although my problems weren't anywhere near as complex as the technological problems today, I still enjoyed the whole process very much. As an avid skateboard and snowboarder back in my early teens, I've always had the problem of not having enough ramps and rails in my backyard. My first ever project back in 5th grade was to build myself a simple ramp. I drew out all the plans and bought all the materials. After many hours of measuring, cutting, drilling, and gluing, my ramp was finally complete. The feeling of skating my own homemade ramp was so satisfying that it made me start even more projects of different variety to push my limits.

As I got older my problems became more and more difficult. One of the largest and most difficult obstacles I had to deal with was my first car. My first car was a 1991 Honda Civic that was given to me in bad condition. Many times, that car wouldn't start up due to some problem such as a faulty wire or cracked solder joint. It took all my patience and problem solving skills to deal with all the malfunctions that car had throughout its time on the road. I enjoyed getting my hands dirty and taking apart sections of the civic because every time I did it I learned something new.

Since the creation of my first ramp, my problem solving skills and interest for technology has increased greatly. The experiences I had from all my projects became a basis for my attitude in the classroom. It has also given me much practical knowledge that I feel many do not have. I still have much to learn to become a competent engineer. That is why I want to continue my passion and pursue an education at the University of California.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 18, 2014   #2
Tarou, there is room for improvement in your essay regardless of what the prompt you are trying to answer is. Are you only being asked about what you intended major is? If so, I believe that we can further improve the essay by adding some information to it about your plans for your future as an engineer. We can actually a fourth paragraph tat could detail your plans as an engineer in the future. What do you look forward to building and why? How will studying this major help you achieve that ambition? Do you have a personal connection with the reason behind your plans to become an engineer? Perhaps you want to build the ultimate skateboarding ramp, or a car whose motor never requires maintenance. Something so far fetched at present that would seem achievable in the future should be the reason behind your major. If you like my suggestions, try to revise the essay along those lines then I will help you edit it to best suit the prompt :-)


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