My university essay which delivers more info about me, my life, struggles and achievements

Hi, so this is my first post in this forum. I'd seriously appreciate some feedback on my university essay. I realize that there may be some grammar/spelling errors. Ignore them. I'm only about the essay's story and structure. Thank you.

The cheering. The cries. The emotion.

He stood there. Motionlessly. His face was an emotional conundrum. His beaming eyes fixed on the horizon. His words captivated all of those who would listen. I watched as a sea of people applaud after his every sentence, and fell dead silent at his every word. As a child, I remember very little of what occurred that day. Fragments which accounted for the few happy moments I had as a child. That didn't matter, though. All I can remember was the wave of emotions. The cheering. The cries. The unanimous call for hope and change I remember feeling as though the weight of the world has been lifted off of my infant's shoulders. I turned to my mother, who had tears racing down her small cheeks. I watched her as she joined in the chant. A chant which would continue to ring loud in my head for years to come. "Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, we're free at last".

It had been six years since that day. The war in Somalia had ended a shortly before I left for the United Kingdom. And yet, the wounds, emotions and the unquenched thirst for change had not faded. Even though the environment I now lived in had changed, the social problems and the problems facing the under privileged, like myself, had solutions rooted in the values and lessons I had learned long ago.

Instead of seas of sand, there were seemingly never ending streets. Where I would usually goats, there cars. Opportunity replaces poverty. I welcomed these changes enthusiastically. I now had the opportunity to receive an education, clean water and a bathroom INSIDE my home.

Despite the profound differences, there was one aspect of my life that hadn't changed l at all. The feeling of pessimism and loss of hope. A feeling I was way too familiar with. Hopelessness and helplessness. I know what it's to feel vulnerable and helpless. This feeling resides in my community as a result of societal imperfections and individual callousness by those st the very top. From the elderly who struggled to pay off debt to the young child who was desperately trying to avoid a life of delinquency.

I began to talk to people and listen to their woes. I took note of issues that were common. I gave speeches to anyone who listens. From the mosque and church socials to the basketball courts outside my youngest brothers preschool. If there were two guys standing in a corner, I would cross the street and hand them literature. As time passed, and as district legislation laws were passed, people to take notice of my efforts. Many people began to rally at my speeches and talks I'd organize with local government officials. I began to sense a presence of optimism. As I continued talking with the same people, I found myself listening in awe as a young boy was able to progress to high school. The elderly were know enjoying health insurance which previously didn't have access to. There was finally a light at the end of the seemingly never-ending tunnel. Finally, these people, my people, had the necessary tools to start to dream. The had the audacity to hope.

As I began to give my last speech before the Christmas break, I was somewhat surprised to see a large crowd of people. A sea of faces looking towards my in ways which were familiar. With hope in their eyes.I stood there motionlessly. As I looked straight ahead, I noticed how the crowds applauded after my every sentence and fell silent at my every word. The hear the cheers, the cries and the calls for change. As my words captivated those who would listen, I began to recite the creed I heard 6 years ago. A creed which will undoubtedly continue to ring in my heart for the years to come.

Abdul, this is a highly personal essay is a rollecoaster ride of emotional conflict. It is engaging and leaves the reader wishing that you had said more about your life. You have worn you heart on a sleeve this time and it shows in the vulnerability of your personality in the essay. This is a highly emotional essay that is sure to be memorable to some extent for the reviewer. The reason that I use the term "to some extent" is because this is a personal essay that does not clearly deliver a purpose for being written. I guess that is caused by the fact that you did not provide a proper prompt discussion for the essay. Is there a chance that you were given a guideline or a question to respond to in a personal essay manner by the college or university? I would like to offer more solid advice about how to improve the essay but without a starting point to base the content of the essay on, I am a bit lost as to how you guide you in terms of improvements.

As a personal essay, the reviewer will definitely want to see the development of your interest in your chosen major. However, there is no reference to your chosen major, nor is there a properly developed line of interest in a particular field in this essay. Therefore, you must be developing a different kind of personal statement. I would love to know what the guide questions are so that I can get a better grasp of the way your essay should be developed.

@Holt
The college application essay sections were divided into different sections. There wasn't a specific guideline or a question I was supposed to be answering. The commonapp only asked me to talk about my background. That's it.

Each college had their own essay prompts asking me to talk about my chosen major and other stuff.

Abdul, in instances of an open topic supplemental prompt, it falls upon you to create a topic or focus for discussion in your essay. Since the specific instruction was that you talk about your background, then think of a particular piece of information about your background that you either touched upon in the other prompts, which deserves to be better or more fully discussed in the supplemental aspect of your essay. Or think of something about your background that makes you a unique applicant to the university and state that in the supplement. You need to place a target on your essay because there is a tendency for the essay to get away from you in terms of content when you do not have any guidelines set for yourself. In this case, the length of the essay and the central topic for discussion got away from you. As a reviewer, I would want to read the prompt that you set for yourself at the start of the essay. That way, I will know how to focus my attention and consideration on the information that you have presented. Make sure that you use the supplement to highlight something about your personal background. Right now, there is too much information in the essay which does not allow the reviewer to actually focus on getting to know a specific aspect of your background or personality / character development. You need to fix that problem.

Try to find something really special and unique about your background, that way it won't sound like ordinary essays. You would want to keep it special.