I've already submitted the essay, but would like some insight on it. I think that my admission relies heavily on this essay, and I would like to know if it follows the prompt well. Thanks a lot!
Prompt: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
As I left the Slovakian school for the last time that week, I couldn't help but smile at the words written in chalk on the tar road: "Goodbye Heidelberg, we are miss you." The English wasn't perfect, but I knew what the writer wished to convey. The Slovakian school children would miss all of us from Heidelberg, Germany, and we would miss them. Since that day in Slovakia, I have been transformed forever, and hope to motivate fellow, future University of Florida students into accepting a call to service based on my experience.
Living overseas, I have been blessed with the opportunity to live in the Netherlands, Italy, and Germany; therefore, I have been granted the privilege to travel short distances and become immersed in a wide array of countries and cultures. Though I have visited over ten European countries, I will always remember how Slovakia changed the way I perceive the differences in our world.
During spring break of my freshman year, I went on a mission trip to Slovakia with my community's Christian youth group. We had sacrificed our vacation to visit and assist in renovating a Slovakian school. Upon our arrival, the school children were overly excited because they had never met Americans, and couldn't wait for the new playground we would be constructing. Throughout the week, I helped construct the playground, shared the Bible, sang, danced, and taught English to the schoolchildren. Growing closer to the children, I became amazed at the happy demeanor they had in spite of their few material belongings; many children wore the same clothes every day. Their school didn't own a single computer or television, and one girl's teeth were rotting due to lack of dental care. I was baffled at how economically different Slovakia was from other countries I have lived in and visited.
Slovakia's people have opened my eyes to the differences which exist in the world, as well as the common ground that can be bridged through openness and understanding. Not well-off economically, Slovakians still find happiness in the simple things of life. For the first time I truly saw that family, relationships, and economic security-not excess-were enough. Slovakians may not be wealthier than other countries, but they are content with what they have. In these times of economic recession and high unemployment in our own country, I have learned that we should be more like Slovakians-content with what we have and those who surround us with love, rather than excess.
I will take my experience in Slovakia as a memory to fall back on during my time at UF, and will challenge my fellow UF students to also take that first step up the staircase of service; the hardest part is to volunteer and go through with it, but the rewards are immeasurable. Once they take this step, I am certain they will see the world from a different perspective, holding memories that will mold them into positive contributors of society.
still find happiness in the simple things of life
Right after this sentence, an example would be good. Give a short sentence (try to do it in 10 words or fewer!) that gives an example of that.
Your theme becomes clear at the end,but it is bland at the end of the last paragraph. You write SO well, and this insight you found is perfect, so... write a sentence that captures this theme of appreciation rather than excess in Slovakia, and add it at the end of the first paragraph.
