University of Florida: The Person Who I Hate(d) the Most (Mr. H)

I folded my arms tightly against my chest and glared defiantly at the ground as the most hated person in my life lectured me, yet again, about my education. "You think you have it bad?! I came over to America, from Germany, speaking no English but you know what? I still managed to get an education. Why aren't you trying to help yourself?" Mr. H saw potential in me even if I was blind to it, and even with my obnoxious preteen attitude, he went out of his way to guide my life in the right direction.

School use to mean nothing to me. As long as I passed, I was happy because after all, I had a "learning disability", could I help being stupid? Mr. H, thankfully, wasn't as content as I was with my education and excuses. He would tell me stories about struggling to learn English so he could go to college. After hearing his stories, I felt ashamed for using a "disability" as a crutch. So, I started putting an effort in my classes and found out something amazing: I'm actually, incredibly intelligent when I let myself be. This moment of self-discovery allowed me to make the most of my high school experience. Mr. H made me realize that we all have problems but what we make of them defines the type of person we really are.

Mr. H once told me that everyone needs a passion in their life to be truly happy and once you find it, doors will open for you without you even looking. When I reached high school, I decided to find my own passion by trying out for various sports. Immediately, I fell in love with tennis and quickly became one of the most competitive players in my region. I began training rigorously over the summer at international tennis camps and competed in district tournaments. Mr. H was right, finding my passion did open doors for me. Tennis turned me in to a leader because my teammates depended on me as the team captain. This newly developed trait lead me to take on other on other leadership positions: as a hostess, yearbook editor, peer, and whatever else I endeavored.

Once I matured, I began to appreciate Mr. H's wisdom and how his lessons molded me in to a strong, intellectual, leader. As a result, everything I do, I do not for the sake of having a gold star on my college application, but because I know I'll come out as a better person. This is why the backbone of my high school schedule are AP classes and not easy "A" courses. I come from a family of Gators and I know for a fact that the University of Florida is not built on one-dimensional, 5.0 GPA students but on self-motivated leaders, from every background, genuinely pursuing a first-rate education. I've always strived to embody those traits and would be honored to continue the Gator tradition of intellectual excellence.

Note: I really wish I had the chance to explain how I eventually became good friends with him but I didnt have space. Does it feel open ended becuse of that? Also, is everything grammtically correct?

Hi,

I don't think your first sentence will works since it completely stand out. I understand that you trying to be ironic/sarcastic but then the rest of your paper need to follow this pattern. Even though it is a great way to grab the attentions of the readers but you will lose them again when they read the last sentence of the first paragraph.However, if you want to stick with the ironic tone, there is a way. For example (this is not by any mean complete sentences and grammars since I'm just demonstrating)

"As I look at the person I hated the most trying to lecture me about my education, telling me the same stories for the thirty fourth time just today alone. I mean, how can you not hate him for trying to make you do well in school and find your own way in life. I hated the fact that he wantes me to become a leader. I hated the fact that he wanted to see me successful in life.

then blah blah blah... But it was him who turned me into who i am today (to end the paper)"
Well, that was just an example if you want to do like a sarcastic way (but not in negative tone) how Mr.H had helped you, or you can take out the first sentence.

Aside from my rambling :)
Mr. H saw potential in me even ifwhen I was blind to it

and even withDespite my obnoxious preteen attitude, he went out of his way to guide my life into the right direction.

School used to mean nothing to me

As long as I passed, I was happy because after all, I had a "learning disability", could I help being stupid?
Even though this sentence is humorous but I wouldn't risk writing like this, you don't know who is reading this paper, what if the reader has or know someone who has "learning disability" then it wouldn't be funny anymore.

So, I started putting an effort into all of my classes

This newly developed trait lead me to take on other on other leadership positions (typo I know, but just be careful)

OnceThe more I matured, the more I began to appreciate Mr. H's wisdom and how his lessons molded me in to a strong, intellectual, (no comma) leader.

As a result, everything that I have donedo , I did not do it not for the sake of having a gold stars on my college application, but because I know I'll come out as a better personit will help me to become a better person.

I came from a family of Gators

Whew. I think there are other grammatical issues but I'm sure someone else will catch it. Good luck. A lot of ppl trying to get into UF heh, this is like the tenth essay I read for UF admissions lol.

Ryan, this is an example of that overuse of modifiers we were talking about.

Hi Carly,

This essay has that inspired energy that makes writing easy to read. I think it's great, and it doesn't need to include discussion of how you became friends, etc. Focus on the main message you are sending the reader.

Also, here is something I have been talking with Ryan about: too many modifiers. Adverbs are the worst:
I folded my arms tightly against my chest and glared defiantly at the ground as the most hated person in my life lectured me, yet again, about my education.

Read this sentence aloud without those adverbs, and see if the sentence seems stronger.

Again here:
I'm actually incredibly intelligent when I let myself be.

Also, simplify:
I've always strived I strive to embody those traits and would be honored to continue the Gator tradition of intellectual excellence.

Most importantly, I want to say that this has a great concept and that you are lucky to be one of the few who really know how to write with the sort of rhythmic energy of inspiration.