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"The university fund project" - Why are you considering The Ohio State University?


Jin 11 / 37  
Nov 18, 2009   #1
Why are you considering The Ohio State University?

The university fund project in Ohio State first caught my attention, because I'm applying for a similar project in my school in which we try to raise funds by running marathon. The purpose of our project is to support sports and the disabled children. With this experience, I hope I can do something special to Ohio State University.

I'm applying for fisher college of business because it has a creative learning atmosphere and will provide prospective students with strong analytical and cooperative skills which are necessary for dealing with real-world cases. I am very confident because I successfully took part in the Guinness World Record's " The Largest Percussion Ensemble" on 2 July 2002, during which, I got to know that team-work is really important through this program and I benefit a lot from participating these activities.

All above are the external elements of my decision. No one can make sound decision without following his or her heart. So am I! I believe the Ohio State University will bring me the opportunity to enter and experience a unique, global learning environment - one that with different world views and the energy of motivated students who are interested in changing the way people do business. I believe I will have a huge gain through this experience, which will make my life more brilliant and give me valuable tools for my success oneday .That's the main reason that I choose Ohio State University: starting my new life there.

Ohio State University, starting my new life there.
ateitelb 2 / 2  
Nov 18, 2009   #2
I think you could basically do without most of the second paragraph. I don't think listing their ranks will help you get in.

In the third paragraph, when you say "Honestly...," it makes the tone a little too conversational/informal.

I like the last paragraph. I think most of the essay should be about why you think OSU will make you a better person and help you in your future ventures. You could also talk about what you could contribute to the community at OSU.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13320 129  
Nov 20, 2009   #3
This part is great!!!
All above are the external elements of my decision. No one can make regretless action without following his heart. So am I! I love it...

All the topics above are the external elements of my decision. No one can make regretless action without following her or his heart. So am I!-----> I added "her," because that makes it gender inclusive AND it is an alliteration!!

:-) You have some deep thinking going on...

This is why God invented colons:
That's the main reason that I choose Ohio State University: starting my new life there.
pheelyks - / 19  
Nov 20, 2009   #4
That's the main reason that I choose Ohio State University: starting my new life there.

"That" refers to something already said; "this" would be more appropriate here. Also, the clause following the colon needs to match the clause preceding it. "Starting my new life there" isn't a reason, it's an action. "I want to start my new life there," "a new life awaits me there," or even "a new life" are all better choices.

So it might read:
"This is the main reason that I choose Ohio State University: a new life awaits me there."


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