Why go to university?
In today's society, university has become the best choice of many students after graduating because of its enomous advantages. Firstly, it is certainly that one of the core aims of university is to secure a better job. In truth, futher education enables us to have a great deal of deep knowledge, new experience and career preparation. In this way, university offers us the future career prospects without any worries. Secondly, it also brings to us other clearly futher benefits for individual and society. It is believed that the independence of living away from home helps us develop better social skills, raise our maturity and confidence. Society, as a result, becomes dramatically advanced and dynamic. In summary, university could be described as a great environment for us to learn and grow up.
From my view, I think using "Show, don't tell" rule can help you to improve your essay, that's mean you could tell more about an example, your personal experience for each reason you have in your essay. And you can add more reasons to contrast yours, for example "why not going to the University is bad". And the last is I think increasing your word count is also a good point. Good luck!
Water Buffalo, I think wadpk had some great suggestions for you. I'm going to add to his/her assessment by making some wording suggestions to improve style:
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In today's society, university has become the best choice of manya natural, next step for students after graduating because of its enomous advantages . Crossing out the last part allows you to "show, not tell" as wadpk recommended. This is a more sophisticated way to write than to "spell everything out."
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Firstly, it is certainly that oneOne ofof the core aims of universityuniversity's core aims is to help students secure a better jobjobs . Try to avoid starting sentences with, "it is..." to make your writing sound better. I added "students" to clarify.
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In truth, futherHigher education enables us to have a great deal of deepexposes us to profound knowledge, new experiences, and the tools needed for career preparation. Avoid phrases like, "In truth," because they imply that you aren't being forthright elsewhere in your essay.
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In this way, universityUniversity offers us the future career prospects ( without any worries.)Removing "In this way," allows you to "show, not tell." I put "without any worries" in parentheses because I don't understand what you want those words to convey. Why would the offering of career prospects come with "worries"? Are you trying to say that, by going to university, one will be "without worries" when pursuing a career? Are you trying to say that universities offer training and career prep that are worry-free when compared to other methods of training and career prep (like on-the-job training)? This is unclear.
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I'll stop here. I hope that's helped you!
