Prompt: Your personal statement should speak to your academic goals and why you think you will be successful at The University of Iowa. Include any additional information that you feel is important to tell the admissions committee. Examples might be related to academic commitment, extracurricular activities, creative talents, aspirations, family circumstances, opportunities/experiences, factors affecting your academic record, or why you are applying to Iowa.
How can I make my story become more alive and compelling for the reader? Is there anything I should change? Grammar/punctuation tips are also needed, thanks!!
At the University of Wisconsin Madison I hope to immerse myself in the field of medicine and how future technologies and medicines can improve unfortunate lives who have been scarred both mentally and psychically from health problems. This interest came from a devastating stroke my grandfather, Alfred, received during my freshman year that would in turn hinder my GPA.
It was on a Sunday afternoon when I received the call from my grandmother, Galina. "Hello, how are..." she interrupted me. "Eddie, there's something wrong with your grandfather, come quickly." I was speechless and afraid of what I was going to see. I rushed to their apartment as fast as I could. When I arrived, I was in shock to see my usually vibrant grandfather in the state of health he was in. we tried to talk to him, he could not even understand us. His eyes also showed a sense of abnormality. My grandmother and I rushed him to the nearby emergency clinic immediately. When we got there, the nurse took him away. We anxiously waited in the waiting room for the doctor.
A few hours later, the doctor came in the waiting room to discuss exactly what happened to Alfred. He explained to us that Alfred suffered from a cerebellar stroke which would cause abnormal reflex of the head and torso, and other effects as well. I went home speechless that day knowing the fact that my grandmother always insisted that I should visit Alfred more often. She told me that Alfred always seemed to mention me as his only friend that he has here. Most of his friends are in Odessa, Ukraine-his home city. When school started, the only thing I thought about was whether or not my grandfather would be the same man as I knew him; would he remember me? Freshman year should have been a jump-start to my future professional career; it was a time to show my potential of what I was capable of. Unfortunately, due to my depression and loss of appetite, I was unable to perform at my top best due to my worries of my grandfather.
As freshman year came to an end, Alfred got noticeably better. One day, I decided to visit him-to see how he was doing. . When I arrived, he said nothing, and only looked at me with tears in his eyes and patted me on the back. "Thank you he said." I nodded. He asked me how school was going. I couldn't seem to let out a murmur. "Well?" he asked. "I was so worried about you, that I just could not concentrate on my studies as I would have liked to." His smile faded, and he pulled me in closer. "Eddie, I never had the same chance in education as you have now. I know you have the potential, do it for me."
When sophomore year came around the bend, my grandfather's state of health actually motivated me to give it my all in my studies. Throughout the school year, I surprisingly found joy in education and the insights into life it could offer. My grades improved as well. As Aldous Huxley once said, ""There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self." This is precisely what I felt at that moment. My junior year was filled with rigorous courses, but I wanted to prove to myself that I have the potential to succeed, and so I did. I had the world on my shoulders thanks to my grandfather helping me realize how important education is. I soon found myself searching for what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I came across the field of medicine in light of my grandfather's incident. I was studying what a stroke was, and if there were any current studies going on to help prevent it. I was thrilled at the research I was finding!
Uni
I am now completely transformed. I have brighter perspectives on life. Yet I know I cannot stop know in learning about the different puzzles out there; I must endeavor greater challenges. If I get a chance to study at the University of Wisconsin, I will make it imperative to continue the success in academia I have started. I know that the University of Madison has an excellent program in medicine and it will help me achieve my goal of eventually becoming a doctor, and find new and innovative ways of improving precautionary steps to hurdles like strokes, heart disease, obesity, and many more. As my grandfather sparked an inspiration in me, I hope I can contribute the same to the u0fm diverse community.
Get rid of 'on' in the first sentence-- it's unnecessary and sounds a little awkward.
The first dialogue along with the uncapitalized 'she' make it seem as though your grandmother interrupted you with the "Hello, how are..." section. Capitalize 's' in 'she' and perhaps even move it to another paragraph?
Galina's first line seems a little anti-dramatic-- try and make it sound more urgent (although... don't abuse exclamation points).
"When I arrived, I was shocked to see my usually [try typically or normally, usually sounds a tad awkward] vibrant grandfather in the [I would insert a descriptive word here and get rid of the double "in" you have. Maybe terrible, something along those lines] state of health [he was in]."
"[When] we tried to talk to him, he could not even understand us; his eyes also showed [revealed?] a [sense of] abnormality."
With this sentence, "sense of" does not sound quite right. I know there's another phrase for it, and I'm hoping another user might be able to supply it whereas it's escaping me at the moment.
Replace "rushed" with another word-- you have it two or three sentences earlier.
Replace "got there" with "arrived"?
You re-used speechless--woops! Change the one in either this paragraph or the former to a synonym or a similar phrase. (:
The sentence "I went home...often" is very repetitive-- it seems as though you're having trouble settling on one word to describe it. 'knowing the fact' for example. Also, try: "my grandmother had always insisted that I visit Alfred more often."
Careful about re-using 'always'-- they're not always necessary, so cut them out of a couple sentences and use your best judgment on which ones. Also remember to use the double-hyphen for a dash. "...Ukraine-- his home city."
"...whether my grandfather would be the same man as [before?]; would he remember me?"
"...my potential and what I was capable of."
"...perform at my best..." Also, I suggest choosing one or the other 'due to'. We know your worries were the cause of the depression/appetite loss, so I think it's safe to remove "due to my worries... etc".
If you want to sound a little fancier, you could use "As freshman year drew to a close, Alfred noticeably recovered." Obviously it's just a thought and a little wordier.
"One day, I decided to visit him to see how he was doing. When I arrived, he said nothing, only looked at me with tears in his eyes before patting me on the back." Just a couple twists of words. Watch out for small errors-- the single hyphen in the sentence, the double-period at the end. Also, try not to over-use 'and'.
""Thank you," he said. I [just] nodded. He asked me how school was going, but I couldn't seem to let out a murmur."
""I know you have the potential-- do it for me.""
I can do the rest later if you like. Mind giving mine a look-over?
Please disregard where I mention Cornell by name, it was a mistake I made in my first rough draft and I can't fix it on here. Thanks!
