Hey there! Here is what I came up with for my essay for the University of Miami. Please if you are kind enough and read it and give me feedbacks ASAP I would really really really appreciate it. Thanks in advance.
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Topic: Evaluate a significant experience or achievement that has special meaning to you
During the summer of 2008, sixteen Miami-Dade County Public School Students (MDCPS), including myself, were selected among the best Cisco Students in Miami-Dade to do an Internship at the Information Technology Services (ITS) Department of MDCPS. At ITS, we had the opportunity to see what working on the real world is and what it is to work in teams. In teams, we went to different schools across the county with different technicians, in order to install new equipment and make sure that all the schools were able to communicate among each other.
We were simultaneously put into three groups, each including five people, and we had to develop -in theory- a new school site infrastructure. We had to decide on a location and explain the reasons for our choice, make the floor plans for the school, create the entire network infrastructure and buy the equipment with a limited amount of money. I was the team leader for one of the three groups.
This experience was very important to me for several reasons including but not limited to learning business skills, having a real feeling of what a normal day at work is like, organizing and managing projects, dealing with different personalities and working with other people as a team and on my own as well.
There are many ways this opportunity has impacted my life. After I concluded this internship, I've felt very confident when going into interviews. I'm also able to understand others better, which allows me to work with anyone and succeed. Furthermore, I realized that going to school is not a waste of time. When you go into the real world and see that you have the same -or even more- knowledge than the people in your own field, it is very rewarding. Now I'm able to be organized and keep up with my agenda everyday to keep track of all the assignments I have, and that is a very important step that has made me succeed after I completed the internship.
I feel that the University of Miami (UM) can help me continue exploring the business world and prepare another leader not only for the business world, but for the Information Technology (IT) world as well. I could be a great asset to UM because I will not only learn, but I also share my knowledge about the business and the IT world with others.
Good morning.
My mechanical suggestions are as follows:
First, make sure that you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences.
Second, make sure you aren't using commas too excessively. There are a couple of spots that have them where they shouldn't be. For example, "In teams, we went to different schools..." here there should not be a comma. On the other hand, "...create the entire network infrastructure(There should be a comma here) and buy the equipment with a limited amount of money."
Third, avoid using contractions in academic writing. They are inappropriate and many professors will count down for their use.
In regards to content, the reflection in this version has much more depth. This version is a more adequate response to the prompt than the first.
Regards,
Gloria
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