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University of Michigan - Diversity - Short Answer Question


Djacob9 1 / 2  
Dec 25, 2009   #1
Prompt::

"We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." (U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.


Essay:
"America's answer to the intolerant man is diversity, the very diversity which our heritage of religious freedom has inspired," Robert F. Kennedy. Decades ago, people were discriminated against for being different. Thankfully, today those very same differences are being celebrated and are seen as sources of pride. We are no longer ashamed of them; instead, we embrace them as the aspects of our personality that make us who we are.

Diversity is vital in the improvement of any society. Diversity brings together many different opinions, ideas and viewpoints. In an unvarying society, we would be surrounded by people who think the same way we do. Know the same things we know. And make the same mistakes we make. There would be no learning. There would be no innovation. Most importantly, there would be no improvement. Having students and teachers from various ethnic and cultural backgrounds makes the University of Michigan a remarkable learning environment. Students are able to learn from the experience and the knowledge of their peers. They are also able to better understand information through an assortment of different methods of teaching that the diverse culture makes possible.

I have lived in two countries, speak two languages fluently and have been to a multitude of other countries, all of which have been remarkable in their own distinct fashions. Since I attend an international school, In any ordinary day I encounter both students and teachers of over 30 different nationalities, each of whom contributes, to the overall environment of the school, the benefits that their own personal background and ethnic origin provides. Living in Cairo has exposed me to the things that, without a doubt, I would not have encountered otherwise. The sights of extreme poverty that I witness everyday have helped me better understand what it means that one in five Egyptians cannot meet their basic needs and has consequently made me better appreciate my comparably privileged lifestyle. I believe that I would contribute to the University the insight I have gained from living abroad, from my exposure to many different cultures and from living in a developing country.

I have 350 words and the prompt asks for approx. 250 words... can u help me decide what to decide to remove and what areas need improvement. if there are any grammar mistakes as well..pls tell me.

Thanks,
Daniel
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
you did look at the wrong essay for mine, the updated one was down below, i know its confusing, sorry, if you get a chance could you take a look at the edited one w/o any hapless words in it? Thanks

Anyway, about your essay, the first two paras dont add anything, you dont make any points of significance till the third para and you ahve to tie this third para to diversity. This third para should be the focus of your essay, the quote is unecessary as are the first two paras, and this third para is really what makes you unique, your not reallying saying singificant in the first two. Also, what you say are your contributions wont stand out to the admissions committee, any foreigner applying to UMich could say the same thing you did, how does that make you unique/ diff than the rest? Thats where your experience in Cairo comes in, make that hte focus from the start and go into the diversity problem more in depth, you seem to take a superficial approach, oh im from a diff country so im automatically diverse from the rest, no way, you have to tell the reader something that they couldn't guess from you being in a diff country in terms of diversity, this is far too predictable.

Good luck, sorry for being so harsh, i think if you really focus on your cairo experiences and add something in terms of diversity that a reader couldnt automatically guess, you could have something, just make that the focus and your essay will really improve.


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