Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it (around 250 words).
Any kind of criticism is welcome! Be harsh! Perhaps some pointers on what to cut out and what to elaborate on? Thanks!
"Seven more!" coach bellows. Panting heavily, I lock eyes with my equally fatigued teammates. Exhaustion had set in long before. But my team doesn't have a proclivity for surrendering.
I've played soccer on the same premier club team since 5th grade, but I never felt as if I fit in. It was no fault of theirs; I simply was a shy kid at the time. I became much more outgoing during high school, but that familiar stigma of being the quiet kid haunted me biweekly when I practiced with my club team, a chain bounding me to my former self. So when I tried out for my high school's soccer team, I was elated to find a group committed to success on and off the field, one that provided an environment where I genuinely enjoyed playing soccer. It wasn't painless rising at 5:30 AM to go to morning practices but when I stepped onto that dew-covered field and saw my entire team there as well, all reluctance fled my mind.
Three years later, I now have the honor of captaining this amazing squad. It's bittersweet; sometimes it's strange to be an authority figure among a group of friends. My close friend approached me after our first conditioning session and apologized for "not giving his all". He never talked to me like that. Had I changed? His mouth opened again and the words "You did a great job as captain and I'm glad to be underneath your leadership" hit me like a train. I could have cried. Rousing my teammates to accomplish tasks previously thought impossible, that's what I truly enjoy doing. We live for the euphoria of conquering the seemingly unassailable team. I couldn't be prouder to be called the leader of this group of leaders.
Word Count: 296 words.
This is really good but maybe check the last paragraph a little and say what you want in a simpler way.
He never talked to me like that. Had I changed? His mouth opened again and the words "You did a great job as captain and I'm glad to be underneath your leadership" hit me like a train.
It makes it sound like a bad thing when you say 'hit me like a train'. Perhaps say it in a more positive way.
I agree with the above reply. Maybe change it to just something simple like "suprised me".
I was thinking maybe I could say that it caught me off-guard, but I'm not sure if that would really convey the full impact of what he said.
So you think I should try to simplify the whole last paragraph? Or was there anything in particular that caught your eye? Thanks for the feedback btw!
Perhaps you could say, "be underneath your leadership" almost brought me to tears. Then, you can sort of combine both ideas and it would still have a similar impact.
our first conditioning session and apologized for "not giving his all" Maybe just say that without the quotes to make it a bit simpler. But I think that was really all.
Good luck!
I put that it hit me like a winning lottery number...which I assumed was much more positive than being hit by a train haha. I only put it in quotes because that's what he actually said, otherwise I would have wrote that he apologized for not committing his fullest efforts, or something fancier like that. But I think you're right, I'll look into it. Thanks again!
This is a very good response. You open your character too through this response. :)
I guess you are 46 words extra. This is some suggestions to keep it within the limit;
I've played soccer on the same premier club team since 5th grade, but I never felt as if I fit in.
I've played soccer on the same premier club team since 5th grade,but never felt fitting in it.It was no fault of theirs; I simply was a shy kid at the time.
It wan't their fault; I simply was a shy kid at the time.I became much more outgoing during high school, but that familiar stigma of being the quiet kid haunted me biweekly when I practiced with my club team, a chain bounding me to my former self.
... I feel this is too much detailed here. You already told the reader about your introvert character and therefore you can save some words here.
I became much more outgoing during high school although I still had to struggle to recover from my former introvert character.