I still need to apply for a few universities, and most of them ask "Why did you choose our university?" - so here's my draft for the University of Chicago. Here's what my college couselor said: "sounds too plugged in. Like you found some nice aspects and you matched them up with some points about yourself. Try being more real. Why did you choose Chicago as a place for you to study. Think more about who you are and what you are looking for in an educational experience and how they will provide that you. Remember that the university needs to fit you. You are very much an intellectual." The problem is that I can't seem to clearly see what I should remove/add/edit... I posted it a few times and got a few corrections on grammatical mistakes, but I'd like to improve the essay in itself (content) - Help!
I've been doing a lot of research on universities in the world, and while most of my friends limited their research to Europe, I would broaden my choices to the whole world. The University of Chicago quickly caught my attention.
Academically, the University of Chicago College is known to be a brilliant college; I was amazed to read about the school's numerous majors, the brilliant Core Curriculum and the incredible alumni. My skills in critical thinking and my broad academic and subject interests (such as philosophy, politics, jurisprudence, religions, sociology, economics...) lead me to read and investigate those topics for the pure joy of learning. Reading books by Goffmann and the "Chicago School of Sociology" really made me want to discover more about the prestigious sociology department of the university. The University of Chicago indeed seemed to be the perfect place to be for a knowledge-thirsty person like me; broadening my general knowledge was always a challenge for me, and I thus quickly fell in love with the schools motto "Life of the Mind".
Being a musician myself (I play both the piano and the guitar) and fond of musical culture, I was also thrilled to learn about the Summer Breeze. Another passion of mine is debating and forensics; the Chicago Debate Society would be an excellent occasion to help me consolidate my debating, public speaking and persuasion skills. I'll hopefully participate in the Urban Debate League City Championships one day, and of course keep the university in the top teams at the APDA National Championships.
The location is another reason why I chose the University of Chicago; the famous Michigan Avenue and Navy Pier are of course fascinating, but I know there is much more to Chicago than its tourist attractions. Places such as the Lyric Opera, the Field Museum, and Hyde Park are also very important to me considering my passion for Art in general.
I will also gladly share the traditional "Persian" side of my culture as well as my "European" approach of modern-day issues by joining student societies and participating in university events; something I've done for quite a few years now in three different schools. The University of Chicago College is truly full of brilliant aspects, both socially and academically. An incredible student diversity, lots of campus activities and strong academic demands; what more is there to ask?
Thanks in advance,
i think its better to use : "its known to be"
its brilliant Core Curriculum and its incredible alumni.
u can replace the two 'its' with 'the'
lead me to read and investigate in
no need for the 'in'
League City Championships on day
hehe ur (half) persian? :P so am i, best of luck buddy!
good essay, ur counselor was right, maybe the essay is a bit 'emotional' so its not that catchy all the time. i dont have any suggestions now, try getting some other people to comment
well, in my opinion you talk about the academic side too much. if i were and admission officer, i would like to see how it the university fits with you as a person.
relate the university with your own personality, since, at least i chose my universities taking into account where i would feels comfortable living for four years. anyway, this is just a suggestion. you might have been attracted only by the academic programs, so that just depends on you.
i also found a few gramatical errors.
I was amazed to read about the school's numerous majors,
also, change this sentence
investigate those topics a lot for the pure joy of learning.
it doesn't sound right, so i would suggest taking out a lot . hope this is usefull.
would you mind checking mine out?
thanks, and good luck!
I am sorry~ but I do not quite understand what you want to convey in the first paragraph. You should make it more clearm
I think you need to revise you last sentence. You do not need to praise U of Chicago at the last sentence. Be more specific and sincere. Maybe you need to surmarize why you match the school not why the school is excellent.
Well according to my counselor, the essay is not good. And I'd like to know what to remove/add to make it better. I'll change the last sentence then, you're right :) Thanks!
i feel your pain, being confused and not having anybody to help you out w/ the content, its happened to me so many times before w/ writing essays:)
Seems like you have reasons for attending the school, which is half the battle, but your counselor is right, you just seem to plug in those reasons and say i want to go here because they have this without really showing how those things you like relate to you and what you can add to them( don't forget about this, even though its not asked for, colleges want to know what you can add to the school, thats one of the big things that makes admission such a crapshoot, most people don't do this and it hurts them). I don't know the word limit to the UChicago essay, but i would say you can develop this out a little more even beyond the reasons you want to go there, perhaps give one more example that shows another side of you.
For ex, i don't really buy your first example that U Chicago is made for knowledge thirsty people like you, its too easy a comparison, develop it out more on both sides, both in terms of what U Chicago is and what you are as a person. In the last para, talk more about your passion for art, and most importantly, share how you will enhane the school because of your persian culture and what effect it will have. Lots of kids from diff countries applying to the US schools say there unique culture and background will enhance the college, SHOW IT
Good luck sorry if i came across as harsh but your essay can have a lot of potential with your uniqueness both through taste in art and your culture and your apparaent legit interest in the school, now work with it.
Helps a lot, thank you very much :) I'll do my best!