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University of Pennsylvania Academic/Social Communities Essay-Supplementary

pbhat 5 / 16  
Dec 20, 2009   #1

The Educational Voyage

Captain Cook, Captain Nemo, Captain Bhat. What do all three of these individuals have in common? Two of them are great explorers, one fictional, one real, both immortalized. The third explorer, not found in a history book near you, is me-yes-me. I have always dreamed big, hence the Captain in front of my last name, but more importantly, I have always had a love for exploration. Whether it be building a tent fort and exploring my house at age six or mountain biking with my best friend at age sixteen, exploring has captivated my imagination. But, I want to add a touch of my own to the definition of exploration. I want to explore culture and heritage to discover the universal truths that tie every civilization in the world together. Of course, writing an essay about this is actually easier than setting out on a voyage of discovery, but I believe the University of Pennsylvania is the perfect vessel to set out in.

High school provided me two rudders to guide my ship; a longing to understand my beliefs and the quest for an unconventional answer. As I nurtured my talent in debate and argumentation I learned to reject ad-populum views that failed to express anything other than what is most obvious (no more Cable News!) I searched for answers that were unconventional and more compelling. Similarly, biking to school turned out to be better for communication than transportation. As we biked, my friends, all of whom are budding Newt Gingrichs, argued with me, the staunch liberal, over healthcare and the economy. To my surprise, as they challenged me, I learned to understand my beliefs in the context of others. These rudders are what I believe I can add to Penn, specifically the ethnohisotry curriculum.

I like asking questions-a lot of questions-but the ethnohisotry program encourages this because it connects culture, ethnicity, and heritage to the more academic inquiries of history. To use multiple relevant fields to answer some of the most pressing questions is everything I desire in an unconventional answer. Better yet, I can't wait to join a community of curious individuals who find the ethnohisotry program a cross-cultural network that defies the barriers of race to discover what I have scanned the horizon for; the bonds that tie all of us together. But, of course the explorer can't just seek one destination, so I would like my ship to stop at several ports of call, from mathematics to the humanities. While being a part of the ethnohisotry community will be rewarding, the experience of belonging to multiple communities will only help me draw a map of the new world I am sailing into.

Penn is unique in that it offers the ability to augment what you have learned in class, through social experiences. For that reason, I would like to have accompanying me on my voyage the cultural community on campus, especially the Pen Tango club and the Ki-Aikido club. I want to experience the traditions of the world, not just study them. Tangoing the night way-I really need dance lessons-or learning to discipline my mind and body-martial arts-I know I can enjoy and contribute to my journey as well as the journeys of my peers. These social communities among others provide my voyage personality along with purpose, but may even allow me to add my own experiences as a first-generation American to the cultural scene.

The University of Pennsylvania is a vessel that can take my educational voyage to the ends of the earth. Like the explorers who grace my history books, I wish to understand the world, but I want to do so through my ability to search for unconventional answers to both, the significant and the insignificant questions of history, culture, and ethnicity. The academic and social worlds at Penn provide me an interactive relationship with history that I have been waiting for-that's what my quest is all about.

OP pbhat 5 / 16  
Dec 20, 2009   #2
Sorry I didn't get to specify in the post with my essay: I wrote this essay while I was pretty uninspired, so any help would be good. I tend to have a problem with commas and long, circuitous sentences so if you could watch out for that it would be great!

Thanks for looking and editting
dingpx - / 11  
Dec 21, 2009   #3
Your practice proved it for another time that inspiration is good for writing essays.
You related yourself to a abstract thing, like the spirits you mentioned by your name, very smart, it's natural.
You use "ship," "explore," etc. repeatitively, makes the essay very coherent, strongly connected.
Generally this is a good essay. A little suggestion is your ending paragraphs. Maybe you need a prompt ending to condense the broad aspects you've discussed in the previous paragraphs.

As you could not read my name, you know I can't help you with your grammar and flowing of words. Just some general feelings. Good luck.
l3goals12 7 / 18  
Dec 21, 2009   #4
I thought that you should mention some of the organisations and clubs in UPENN and tell how they are important to you.
You can keep your opening for the 300 page autobiography.
I've also written an essay for UPENN. Mind if i ask you to review it please?
Good luck with the application
OP pbhat 5 / 16  
Dec 21, 2009   #5
Thanks guys for all your help!

I'll make sure to edit my last paragraph and emphasize specific communities at UPenn.

Good luck and feel free to ask me to edit any of your essays.
dingpx - / 11  
Dec 22, 2009   #6
Your essay also could be used as a main essay in CA for specially to U Penn
danielhe 4 / 13  
Dec 22, 2009   #7
Just a quick correction:

...learning to discipline my mind and body-martial arts-I know I...

Martial arts instead of marital arts.

Otherwise, I think your essay is very strong. There are good connections throughout the essay and you portray yourself as someone that is willing to try new things.
OP pbhat 5 / 16  
Dec 24, 2009   #8
I changed my essay up a little bit. If anyone could check for grammar it would be great (commas, syntax, punctuation etc.) Also, if you find anything else missing don't hesitate to comment

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