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University of Toronto, Commerce Supplementary Essay


_fantasy 2 / 5  
Feb 9, 2010   #1
Please be as critical as possible. I won't take any comments the wrong way. Thanks!

In a 300-word paper, please describe how your extracurricular activities and leadership experience have prepared you to be an active contributor to, and engaged participant in, the Rotman Commerce community.

My extensive volunteering experience sprouted as a chore.
I joined the school service club in grade nine, which provided various opportunities for volunteer work throughout the year. With the sole objective of completing my community service hours required by the school, I attended the first event of the year: Parent Walkabout, an opportunity for parents to meet their children's teachers. I was in for a pleasant surprise.

Not only did I meet many new friends, but we united as a team in helping the parents. The feeling of connectedness between us- it was amazing, a beautiful feeling of content that was hardly describable. Furthermore, to this day, I continue to remember the delight I experienced as I helped the first parent I met that evening to her child's classroom, receiving a gratifying thank you and a brilliant smile.

The club presidents change yearly. However, I was never happy with certain aspects of the management of the club. The club meetings lacked overall structure, the leaders were hard to locate on event day, and there was no way for the members to track if their hours are being recorded correctly. I wanted change. Thus, I took action. Anxiously, I applied for the position of president for the largest club in school. I was successful.

Even as its president, I continue to learn from the club. I am constantly awed at the abilities of the club members. Knowing that university communities contain even more talent simply thrills me! I would like to extend my attitude towards learning and positive change to the Rotman Commerce community. I will be an active participant, taking initiative in achieving my ideals. I am confident that I can bring about energy, creativity, and individuality to the Rotman Commerce community when I hopefully arrive on campus this September.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 10, 2010   #2
The feeling of connectedness between us - it was amazing, a beautiful feeling of contentment that was hardly describable.

Awesome, this is short, but it is so strong. I hope you can find a way to add some sentences about how this experience will empower you as you enter your chosen professional field (politics? Eduction?) Write a little about your vision for the future!

I also think you should add one more sentence to that intro paragraph so that it will end with a thesis sentence that expresses the main idea of the whole essay. After "in for a surprise," you should write a sentence that tells the reader this main theme.
OP _fantasy 2 / 5  
Feb 10, 2010   #3
Thanks, Kevin, for your feedback!

Unfortunately, I'm at the maximum word count right now (exactly 300 words; it was much longer!). What parts do you think I should take out? I also think I should talk about my vision for the future, but I'm having trouble with the word count. :(
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 11, 2010   #4
Well... I don't like this opening sentence:
My extensive volunteering experience sprouted as a chore.

I don't know why! I guess I don't think an experience "sprouts." Also, the word "chore" creates a negative feeling in the reader's chest, ha ha...

If you have only 300 words to use, I think you used them quite well!

you can cut some unnecessary things... like... this is unnecessary:
The club presidents change yearly. However, I was never happy with certain aspects of the management of the club.

Add a brilliant thesis sentence! :-D
OP _fantasy 2 / 5  
Feb 12, 2010   #5
Thanks again Kevin! Do you think this would be better: "My extensive volunteering experience established as an assignment."
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 13, 2010   #6
Well, it tries to say too much all at once. The experience is extensive, and it started as a ___ something. But the thing is, this sentence does not help. It is not necessary here to tell the reader what kind of experience started your volunteer experience. Instead, tel the reader anything you want her to know as she begins to read this essay.

:-)
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Feb 14, 2010   #7
You are applying to the Rotman commerce school, so some business relevance would be appropriate.
Specify what positive change, what ideals you want to make happen at UoT:

positive change to the Rotman Commerce community. I will be an active participant, taking initiative in achieving my ideals.

Any particular facet/application of business?Any aspect of the curriculum you find most appealing?


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