If you have a moment, please take a look at this. I definitely need some peer editing... of all the essays I've written so far, this is the weakest. My conclusion is pretty terrible, and there are some parts that need to be fine tuned. I just don't know how to do it! Any comments would be helpful... if you have the time, of course. Prompt included.
Comments, suggestions needed please!
Directions
Choose one of the following two topics and write a short essay. (Recommended length: 250 words)
1. The University of Washington seeks to create a community of students richly diverse in cultural backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. How would you contribute to this community?
2. Describe an experience of cultural difference, positive or negative, you have had or observed. What did you learn from it?
Tip
- You may define culture broadly in Topic 2. For example, it may include ethnicity, customs, values, and ideas, all of which contribute to experiences that students can share with others in college. As you reply to this question, reflect on what you have learned -- about yourself and society -- from an experience of cultural difference.
When an individual comes together with their peers, discussion is inevitable. It would then stand to reason that when three-hundred young girls gather to participate in a government simulation, their political ideals would come together and interact in enthusiastic ways. I experienced this demonstration of cultural difference when I resided among an assembly of my peers as a participant of the Evergreen Girls State program. We were encouraged to express our political views as we established a fictitious delegacy throughout the duration of the program. Ideas were coaxed from even the shyest attendees and discussion was praised.
This display of free speech was educating. I learned that the conflict of radical ideas is not as destructive as water and flame may be. Instead, the debates that occurred during Evergreen Girls State proved the opposite. By weaving the threads of our varying opinions together, we created cultural tapestries and the perfect mock government.
Most importantly, I learned that I am the only individual who can contribute my thread of ideals, just as any other person may solely contribute theirs. I have a perspective on politics that has been distinctly influenced by my parents, who-as property managers-raised me with an outlook on politics unlike that of the girls I spoke with during Girls State. For example, the different views that were expressed throughout the program made my unique appreciation of how fiscal policy effects the real estate market stand out. My parents clearly inspired an inimitable political perspective in me, and gave me something special to contribute to Evergreen Girls State's cultural tapestry. People may weave beautiful collaborations of thoughts and ideas but our individual cultural backgrounds remain preciously unique.
My time at Evergreen Girls State thus strengthened my pride in my political views and provided insight to the constructiveness of cultural difference. It was an experience that has enabled me to confidently contribute my unique outlook to the constant development of our society's culture.
I know what you mean... sometimes you write something and you know it just is not inspired. However, some parts of this seem to be inspired.
When peers come together in collaboration, communication can be powerful. It is no surprise that when three hundred girls gather to participate in a government simulation, their political ideals would come together as they interact in enthusiastic ways.
Ideas were coaxed from even the shyest attendees, and discussion was praised.
My time at Evergreen Girls State thus strengthened my political views and provided insight to the constructiveness of cultural difference. This experience has empowered me to confidently express my ideas in collaboration with others.
