Hello! I'm over 500 words already so I'm trying cut some some stuff. Also, I'm wondering if I have good points and if I've made the story clear enough. I think I could maybe have a better intro as well. Thanks!
- Tell a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
this experience was a struggle
It was an ordinary night when my dad came home from work with alarming news. With a look of dejection, he explained that he had been laid off. Being 8 at the time, I understood this meant he lost his job, but I didn't quite understand the implications of this event. I figured finding another job would be a quick fix. Unfortunately, this was not the case.
After much difficulty finding a job, it was decided that my dad would take a job offer he received in Texas until he could find a suitable replacement back in Washington. Meanwhile, my mom would stay home with me, my brother, and grandmother. Hearing this news, innumerable worrying thoughts frantically raced through my mind. My parents assured me it was just a temporary situation, but that didn't make it feel any less bizarre.
Though I hated having my dad away, I think this part of my life was essential in helping me to grow. Being the new man of the house, I had to do more to help my family, such as taking out the garbage, washing dishes, caring for our dogs, and helping my brother with his homework. I felt obligated to do what I could to fill the hole my dad left. From this, I gained a greater sense of responsibility and learned to take initiative. I continue to apply these traits that I gained in my life today, using them in my roles as a student and as Key Club VP.
This time in my life also helped me to realize just how important my family is to me. I realized my family isn't just a part of my life; they're a part of how I define myself. With my dad gone, it was like a part of my identity was missing. My family is a central part of my life, and I want to do everything I can to support them. In fact, one reason I did Running Start was so I could finish college early and find a good job to support them.
From this experience, I gained a new mindset as well. This situation with my dad was a challenge none of my family thought we would face. However, we persevered and became even closer as a family. While some people may look at challenges negatively, being discouraged by them, after experiencing this, I see them as an important part of life. It is through challenges that we're able to learn, improve, and grow. They require us to put forth all our effort and we come out stronger in the end. Because of this, I now look forward to facing challenges and I'm always ready to do everything I can to overcome them.
Finally, after 8 long months, my dad returned to us. Everything was back to how it should be. Though this experience was a struggle, I'm thankful that I gained the knowledge that I did from it. I'm thankful that it helped me to grow closer to my family and as a person.
I'm over 500 words already so I'm trying cut some some stuff.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,830 
4781 Christian, the reason your essay is over the word count is because you are treating this essay as a creative piece of writing instead of an informative narrative. Take the first 2 paragraphs for instance, these events could be combined into just one short, sweet, informative, relevant paragraph:
My dad lost his job when I was 8 years old. He had to leave our family to start work in Texas. At that point, I became the man of the house. I did not really know what that meant. All I knew was that with my dad gone, my mom needed my help to keep the family together and keep the house in order. So I did my part, knowing that this was what my dad would have wanted me to do.
I have given you a starting point for your revised essay. Focus more on the story of your development as a family leader and remove references to your extra curricular activities because those are not relevant to the discussion. You would have to develop those presentations a bit more in this essay in order to make it useful and relevant. That would also cause you to deviate from the prompt so it is better for you to not present those 2 short sentences at all in the essay.
Once you have focused upon how the loss of the father figure and head of the family created a more responsible person in you, at this point, you can say that it made you a more responsible student (use one paragraph to illustrate that point) and that you continue to develop your sense of leadership and strong character, even with your father back with the family, because you felt like a better and useful person while your dad was away. Mention that your dad appreciates having another "responsible" man in the house at the close of your essay. That should set the essay for submission purposes.
