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"Be all that you can be." - University of Washington Transfer Essay

eveb86 1 / -  
Feb 14, 2010   #1
Here are the questions and my essay, any help would be great.
Thank you...

My Personal Statment

Be all that you can be.

As a child, my favorite hobby was to take apart electronics such as VCRs, my bicycle, and small appliances and put it back together. Girls my age would play with barbies and I was building a bicycle for myself. Sometimes I would get teased for being such a tomboy, but my grandfather always encouraged me and he always told me I had a mind of an engineer. Throughout my elementary and middle school I was in advanced mathematics classes to prepare for becoming an engineer someday.

After the dead of my grandfather in 2001, my mother, sister and I moved to the United States from Iran, I was 14 years old. After moving to the US, we had little money and times were hard growing up. Due to our financial situation, I have been working since the age of 15. After enrolling in high school, I felt lost and overwhelmed. I was the only Iranian in the entire school, and I couldn't speak a word of English. I was culture shocked and overwhelmed with my classes and fellow students. In school my favorite subject was math, math was the only subject that I understood and excelled. I knew that from then on I wanted to study something involving mathematics. By the next six months I started to adapt myself to my new environment, and by the end of the year I finished ESL and I was placed into a regular English class.

After graduating high school, I chose to attend a community college mainly because of their lower costs and flexible hours. The first year, I attended Shoreline Community College. While working and attending school full time I maintained a GPA of 3.26 throughout. After a year in Shoreline Community College, I transferred to Edmonds Community College. I also started working as an assistant manager at a retail store, working 40-50 hours per week. As a result, I was unable to succeed in two out of my three classes due to long stressful hours at work and my hard classes.

On December of 2007, my uncle who lives in Vancouver, Canada was diagnosed with Leukemia. This had a huge impact in my life since he was a major father figure in my life. With working 40 hours per week and visiting my uncle in Vancouver, Canada every weekend, I had a hard time adjusting to working, school, and my personal life issues. However, I started to learn how to handle my hectic, traumatic life and it took almost one year for my uncle to heal and by October 2008 my uncle was cancer free and I was able to raise my grades. I had a hard time with my calculus classes because I was unable to dedicate my time studying and doing my homework.

Shortly after, I received the worst news of my life that my father had passed away. He was brutally murdered by his tenant. The first week was the hardest time of my life I felt my world had trembled down, but my family was there for me through it all. My father's death accord during my Spring 2009 quarter of school, so I didn't attend school for almost two weeks. I was given the option of dropping my classes due to emotional distress, but I refused to take that option because I knew my father didn't want me to. I decided to set aside all of my anger and agony, and focus on school. In addition, I quitted my job to dedicate all my attention on school. Some days I couldn't even get out of bed let alone go to my Linear Algebra class, but I got up and attended school. By the end of the quarter I received a 3.2 GPA. I felt accomplished and proud of myself and I knew I could overcome anything in my life.

Since the Spring quarter of 2009, my financial situation has progressed extensively, I have been dealing with my father's death, and I have been able to concentrate on school, and half way through the quarter, I have a 4.0 in my differential equation class and mechanics of material class.

I intend to enter the Civil Engineering Bachelor's degree, because I have great problem solving and math skills, and engineering is truly my passion. I have aspirations of one day getting a master's degree in the field in university of Washington if I am accepted. I have had a taste of poverty, so I wish that one day I can help developing countries with providing resources to clean water, since millions of people die every year because they do not have access to clean water.

My second intended degree is Mechanical Engineering, I believe mechanical engineering represents the core of engineering and that is the reason why I chose it as my second choice. If I am accepted into mechanical engineering, I will pursue a bachelor's degree in the field, then I hope to pursue a civil engineering master's degree in the University of Washington.

Unfortunately, community college cannot provide the resources and education I need to achieve a bachelor's degree in Civil Engineering, but Edmond's Community college has helped me tremendously to prepare for University of Washington. University of Washington has one of the best resources and curriculum for the field of Engineering in the Washington State, which will help me to prepare to become an Engineer someday.

The road to the American Dream has been a bumpy one for me emotionally. I have had a lot of obstacles and challenges thrown at me and as soon as I thought I have gone through one problem the next one appears in front of me, however through it all, I have become a stronger, matured person and it has developed me into the woman I am today. I believe nothing is impossible and I will one day achieve my goals. I wish to bring honor to my dad, my family and my community by completing my education. I have overcome many tribulations, and I know I am ready to face any challenges from University of Washington.
essayvision - / 8  
Feb 14, 2010   #2
First of all, sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I can only imagine the traumatic distress you had to go through.

As for your essay, aside from the grammatical issues, I think it comprehensively touches on all the points for your essays. It is clear your reasons for transferring as you mention the need for more academic resources. Moreover, it captures the audience's attention by bringing up personal account into perspective and how that has affected your grades and that as a result, you can face any challenges that lay ahead.

With that said, I would advise you to consider revising the following:

"After the dead of my grandfather.." should be "death" of my grandfather.

"because of their lower costs" should be "because of its lower cost"

"I have had a lot of obstacles and challenges thrown at me and as soon as I thought I have gone through one problem the next one appears in front of me" wordy and awkward, consider changing to.."although I was faced with obstacles and challenges one after another, .."

"I had a hard time adjusting to working" should be "I had a hard time adjusting to work"

I particularly like your concluding paragraph as it sums up your essay and re-emphasizes your character's strength. Wish you best of luck!

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