I wrote a practice on the question I know I will be asked, inevitably: Why do you want to go to this university?
Basically, my other essay was very deep and strong, emotionally, so I wanted to show any characteristic of mine - humor, I am known to be jovial.
Well here it is, in this case I will address it to Yale:
Why do I want to go to Yale? Well, lets see. Last year, at this point in time, 25869 students opened up their laptops, or grabbed sheets of lined white paper, and answered the question. Most of them wrote about, in copious detail, their desires to change the world, win a Nobel prize, give back to the community, fulfill their joy for learning, own BMW 7 series or a Lamborghini, if they have good taste. You must be wondering why I am reminding you of those cliched answers you are so bored of hearing. Why, oh why, am I bringing back the memory of that young girl from Texas who had never seen an ornamental Persian rug and just, so desperately, wanted to decorate her house floor with such a rug. The young girl who believed Yale's Economics department would drop a little of its overflowing knowledge on her and instill her with the wisdom and intelligence to make that dream a reality? Or the memory of the blissful Indian adolescent who really desired to get into a prestigious college so, back home, his parents could emphasize how proud they really were of him to all their neighbours? The answer is simple: this is why I want to go to Yale, though I feel it is important, at this point, to explain that I am no girl from Texas, neither do I have the desire to have an expensive Persian rug in my house; wood is fine as far as I am concerned. I shouldn't have to brainstorm, on that sheet of lined paper, a list of various reasons that are what you want to hear. It is who I am. It is in my blood. Flowing through my veins is a desire to own a big house, a desire to make my parents proud, hell, even own a BMW 7 series (it isn't that bad really). However, beneath all these childhood dreams and ambitions is a cause that will help me fulfill my dreams, a cause which will enable me to take my place in society, happily. That cause is Yale.
I noticed a couple of errors I made after I made changes to the structure - like the question mark after the statement. :D
Also, I realize the irony of the fact that I am writing to Yale while my username is called 'UPennHopeful'. I would just like to say that this is structure I will use for all my 'why' essays and I will just change the figure and the name of the university, provided the structure and the essay are effective.
Why do I want to go to Yale? Well, lets see. Last year, at this point in time, 25869 students opened up their laptops, or grabbed sheets of lined white paper, and answered the this question. Most of them wrote about...
The answer is simple: These people are the reasons I want to go to Yale. Though I feel it is important, at this point, to explain that I am no girl from Texas, neither do I have the desire to have an expensive Persian rug in my house; wood is fine as far as I am concerned. I shouldn't have to brainstorm, on that ...
It is in my blood. Flowing through my veins is a desire to own a big house, a desire to make my parents proud, hell, even own a BMW 7 series (it isn't that bad really). surgically remove and replace with something more focused on the theme of the essay.
Excellent writing, fun to read. It shows that you are good at writing.
This is very thoughtful and impressive, but it lacks substance. The way to improve it is to add substance, which you can easily do. There are some words, like "why, oh why" that seem necessary in the first draft but then have to be remove when you see all the different ways they can affect readers. Same with "well let's see"... it should be excluded, even though it reflects a certain attitude that you want to express.
So, when I say add substance, I mean that you should find ways to refer to your serious goals, the meaningful ones associate with your chosen field. It all happens now! :-)
