Not sure what happened to my other one. Anyways, I would like some input on my personal statement for the University of Washington. Any ideas, critiques or problems you see with it.
This is the prompt:
A. Academic Elements (required)
* Academic History
* Your Major and/or Career Goals
* Are you prepared to enter your intended major at this time? If not, describe your plans for preparing for the major. What led you to choose this major? If you are still undecided, why? What type of career are you most likely to pursue after finishing your education?
* How will the UW help you attain your academic, career, and/or personal goals?
B. Personal Elements (required)
* Cultural Understanding
* Educational Challenges / Personal Hardships (if applicable)
* Experiential Learning (if applicable)
And the Essay:
Life is made up of choices. Choices can be reasoned, but sometimes we aren't aware that a choice has been made. Sometimes we make life changing choices, such as the choice to go to college.
My parents didn't give me a choice about my early schooling. I was home schooled. Schooling at home allowed me to explore and learn outside a structured curriculum and I enjoyed the freedom of home schooling. But, I knew I needed more discipline and tools to be successful at a university such as Washington. To that end, I chose to attend community college. Beyond the technical aspects of the educational process, community college has had a dramatic impact on my life and the way I think about the world around me. My discovery and exploration of knowledge hasn't always been perfect, but I applied myself at almost every opportunity to learn and grow. When I failed to apply myself, I learned from my mistakes. I am now ready to take the next step in my educational development, the exploration and discovery of new ideas.
During the final months of 2001 and several years following, I woke up every weekday morning and turned on the television to check CNBC. I watched the stock symbols move across the bottom of the screen as I waited for one symbol: DELL. I had invested $500 in that stock, money that I had earned mowing lawns. After hours of research, I settled on that company. $22.01, the price I paid per share, will be forever engrained in my memory. I made money on Dell and have continued to invest since. But, the return on Dell has been greater than simple monetary profit. This experience inspired me to study and learn about business and finance. Although my investments aren't always profitable, I personally and professionally gain from every one. With each investment, whether success or failure, I study and learn from the variables and outcomes. But, beyond mere experience, in order to truly understand finance, I need the focus of a rigorous academic program.
I am passionate about finance, but I know passion by itself doesn't always lead to success. Focus, commitment and practice - three additional traits required for success. I play the bagpipes, considered to be the most challenging instrument in the world to master. I am one of the elite bagpipers in the state of Washington and am now ranked Grade One, the highest level in piping before becoming a professional. Initially, I was inspired to play bagpipes after hearing them played on a compact disk. I soon found out that Seattle was the nearest city to Olympia with professional bagpipe teachers. Without a professional teacher and with only limited instruction, I discovered more than passion was necessary to achieve success. With only limited instruction, I disciplined myself to maximize every opportunity, applied myself to the goal of playing with the World Champion Pipe Band and persistently practiced. As I have competed and played at highland games and other competitions in Canada and the western United States, I have met and played with people from all over the world. Despite our differences, we all share a common bond through our love of music. I am now privileged to have friends and mentors around the world. Throughout, I have learned discipline; discipline that I can apply to the rest of my life, not just in piping. I have been successful, so I feel it is necessary to give back and share. I volunteer, as an instructor, with the local Olympia bagpipe band. I regularly volunteer to play at Memorial Day services and the annual POW/MIA recognition ceremony on the capital campus. But beyond volunteering, I try to inspire others to follow their dreams by sharing the music, culture and my experiences with bagpipes. I will continue to pursue my goal of becoming a member of the world champion SFU Pipe band in British Columbia and playing at the professional level.
When I first joined Cub Scouts, I was committed to pursue the rank of Eagle Scout. My scout leaders explained that the trail through the ranks to Eagle was like climbing a mountain; as one climbed higher at each stop there were fewer boys. Some would continue to climb upward; others would choose to stop climbing. I was committed to make it to the top. I completed my journey and became an Eagle Scout in 2003. But like the analogy of mountain climbing, I found that the ascent was more important than the achievement. The trail to Eagle Scout taught me valuable life lessons such as leadership and teamwork. However, one of the most valuable lessons I learned was perseverance and the commitment to continue climbing.
Choices - we all have them. Some might chose to finish their education at the associate's degree. Many would be happy with that great achievement. However, I chose to continue to challenge myself, pursue my education to and learn about the world around me.
After hours of research, I had settled on that company.
With each investment, whether a success or failure,...
This should start a new paragraph;
I play the bagpipes ...
I soon found out that Seattle was the nearest city to Olympia with professional bagpipe teachers.You should say how far that was from where you were.
I volunteer as an instructor, with the local Olympia bagpipe band.
This seems like an abrupt change of topic. Maybe a lead in sentence is called for;
When I first joined Cub Scouts ,...
I was committed to pursuing the rank of Eagle Scout.
I was committed to making it to the top.
Maybe you should say a little more about your career goals!
