"the unpredictability of life" - Peace Corps; differing social/cultural environments

Upbringing Through Education

Hey guys. This is the second draft of my second and final Peace Corps application essay. I've reviewed and edited based on suggestions from the smartthinking feedback team, but I always think it's good to get second and third opinions! So, how can I improve what I've written? I managed to say everything in under 500 words, so I've got a little more breathing room this time around. Also... I haven't thought of titles for either of my essays; are they really necessary?

I have never volunteered outside of the United States. In my junior year of high school, I became friends with an Austrian exchange student. Some might think that would be basis for an interesting story about realizing and overcoming cultural differences, but they would be wrong. In fact, I got on with Denise (the exchange student) just as well as the friends I had known for years. Honestly, Denise is probably one of the best friends I've ever had. One recent experience comes to mind that I think is suitable.

On April 27, 2011, Alabama was devastated by statewide tornados that resulted in the deaths of over 150 residents. Two days after the storms, my family and I traveled to Ohatchee to volunteer with the Red Cross. While Ohatchee's death toll was relatively low, the city was very hardly hit. Throughout the day, people repeatedly likened the area to a war zone. I thought the comparison was a little dramatic at first, but after seeing to the endless stream of needy, burning in the sun caused by the lack of shade, and witnessing platoon after platoon of power trucks pass by, I understood.

Needless to say, as I worked with the Red Cross, I wasn't actually in an environment that was socially or culturally different from my own, but it felt like I was. The people I helped were no different from me or anyone in my community, although it would have been very easy to forget that. The events that had transpired in the days before I volunteered placed a strain on the community. People who were once well off were now left homeless and hungry.

After the shelter reached the point when they could no longer accept donations (their receptacle's were overflowing), my father and I were sent to take care packages to the immobile or homebound. Here we faced our biggest challenge: convincing the care package recipients that we were there to give them something instead of to steal from them. The only way we could respond to them was with patience. Often we had to leave the packages by the door and move on. Other times the recipients were happy to see us, and would invite us in to their dark, powerless homes.

What I learned from the experience was the unpredictability of life and of the future. If the conditions in Sardis City, Alabama had been a little more volatile, if the temperature had been off by a few degrees, my family and I could have been receiving aid instead of offering it. I also learned that spending twenty-seven months in the Peace Corps was without a doubt what I want to do. Nothing compares to the feeling that comes from knowing that one's efforts are improving another persons quality of life. Like an education or a moral upbringing, the feeling that comes from service is something that can never be taken away.

During the second paragraph i expected this essay to turn into a dramatic story about natural disasters. However, this piece of writing has a positive vibe to it towards the end. By saying that I don't want to sound disrespectful, it's just how it makes me feel. It sounds mature, serious, and not at all ridiculously tragic.

Maybe you should read the first paragraph one more time. After mentioning your friend Denise and your friendship you end rather abruptly and move on to the tornadoes. For some reason it doesn't flow to well.

But overall it's a great essay. It's concise and it reveals enough about who you are and what this experience meant for you. =D

[And thank you for commenting on my essay ^_^]

The first sentence is boring. The second sentence is unrelated to the first sentence.


Again here... the sentences seem unrelated.

Google this: paragraph topic sentence.
A paragraph should be about one great idea. Well, the intro paragraph should be about the main idea of the essay, and every body paragraph should be about a sub-idea.

I think the first para should be cut. The second para would make a good intro para if you added a thesis statement to the end. Know what I mean?

You write very well!! I just want to see a new intro that ends with a powerful thesis statement. Can you capture the essay's main idea in a single sentence?

:-)