PROMPT: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Immediately after school, I run as fast as I can. Luckily, I do not miss the bus, which usually arrives at 3:04. Breathing heavily, I get a seat in the back next to the window. The sun rays that penetrate the window expose various colors of light particles prismatically. Soon, the bus stops. I have arrived at my first destination. I exit the bus, press a button on a pole, and wait for the traffic light to change. Various thoughts come to my mind - 'How much homework do I have today?' 'How many hours can I sleep today?' 'How many tests do I have tomorrow?' While thinking of answers for these questions, I cross the street. It is 3:27; I'm waiting for the Orange Monster.
The Orange Monster, as I call it, is a metro bus that transports me from Glendale to my job in LA. The journey takes about an hour and a half. The bus arrives and engulfs me. Every day it goes along the same route at the same time with the same people. The shifting scenery seen through the window is constant too. The statistics homework problems that I do on the bus are the only things that change. It causes me grief that there is no alteration in my life.
When I get off of the bus at 4:24, fresh air welcomes me. I pass by the old buildings that give people waiting for the bus some shade. I finally arrive at work. By earning nine dollars an hour as a customer service worker I have learned how to handle my time efficiently to fulfill my personal objectives. I was not obsessed with time before I started working part-time six days a week. I was wasting countless hours on meaningless and empty tasks such as checking my Facebook and Twittering. Nevertheless, having a fixed schedule has taught me the value of time.
Every day I repeat the same routine: from home to school to work to home again. I leave at 6:30 A.M. and get back at 8:30 P.M. Through this repetitive fourteen-hour cycle, I have learned to manage my time effectively and have discovered to set my priorities to discipline myself to get things done on time. Time management has not only taught me how to be in control of my schedule but also to be in control of myself. Some of my friends say that I am suffering from "hurry sickness," trying to finish things as quickly as possible. They tell me to slow down and let things just flow. However, to me, time is worth more than gold; it is a force that motivates me to achieve high goals and to perfect myself. Even though my drive for time management hasn't always been smooth, the fact that I did not give up but continue to maintain this arduous routine makes me proud. As Carl Sandburg once said, "Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent".
Is my essay off topic?
I asked my teachers to revise it and one of them said it's off topic.
Well thank you for reading and please add comments about what you think!
Thanks!
P.S. are there any grammar mistakes or awkward sentences?
I don't find your essay to be off topic, but I do find it to be a bit a choppy. I think you should consolidate some of your sentences and vary your sentence structure. Otherwise, it's a great idea and I understand what you're trying to get across.
puddles3 - thanks for the comment! But I don't get what you mean by "choppy". Are you saying that the ideas don't flow well? or that it has unnecessary information?
no problem! and sorry, by "choppy" I just mean the sentences need to flow into each other better. basically, i just meant that you should vary your sentence structure
puddles3 - oh okay! my friends told me that too :(. Is my sentence structure too static? I'll try to change my sentence structure more! Thanks :)!!!
No problem! glad i could help :) and yeah static is a way better word than "choppy" haha
your essay is not off topic its actually good, especially the vocab
but you should consider changing your sentence structure just a bit
I think your essay is great! The only real thing that stuck out to me was "The sun rays that penetrate the window expose various colors of light particles prismatically." I think it sounded a bit awkward. While it does sound beautiful and certainly does keep my attention, it just seems a little out of place with the other sentences around it. Your story is interesting! It creates the mood of being rushed which is essential since you are talking about time. Post back a revised essay if you decide to change anything and I'll read it again.
I think it might off a little bit. My English teacher went to a personal statement workshop last month and the speaker said 99% students didn't answer the question. So I think you need to be more straight forward and write more about yourself.
wow i feel like i know what type of person you are through your unique wording in your essay! good job! But i do agree with safiyyah1, you need to be more direct since this is a personal statement.
Overall, your idea is excellent, and the idea to use a timeline is intriguing. There are some grammatical mistakes, and some re-wording which would benefit your essay.
1.) "Immediately after school, I run as fast as I can." Where do you run? Are you just running for the fun of it? A revision of "Immediately after school, I sprint to the buses
hoping that they haven't left." Also, a slightly catchier first sentence might be needed, as this just didn't "grab me".
2.) "The sun rays that penetrate the window expose contrasting colors of light particles prismatically." This sentence doesn't really relate to the rest of the essay. After I read
this sentence, I thought that this was a lead into your main point; possibly that you enjoy physics or that you "see the world in a different way". I think you should omit
this sentence.
3.) "While waiting for the traffic light to change various thoughts come to my mind..."
"While waiting for the traffic light to change , various thoughts come to mind..."
4.) "Instantly, I analyze my tasks into time intervals and cross the street."
"While I cross the street, all my tasks are categorized into time intervals before I cross the street."
5.) "The bus arrives and engulfs me. Every day it goes along the same route at the same time with the same people." A combination of these two sentences would make the
sentence better.
"The bus engulfs me, and sunsequently transports me along the same route, at the same time, and with the same people."
6.) You need to make sure that your essay flows. This essay should be perfectly clear to anyone after reading through it one time. Editing your sentences and making sure
that you have complete thoughts is the best addition you can make to your essay.
Hope this helped! =)
Thank you so much for the revisions! I'm changing my sentences right now :)
I think it's off-topic. You're trying to hit on the topic, but you're only braising it.
Your essay does not highlight the quality that you are trying to express about yourself. It only mentions it.
What I get from your essay when I read it is
"I make sure that I get to work on time even on a tight schedule. Thus, I am good with time management."
Mmmmm... that only shows a little bit of time management since to get work on time, all you need to do is run to the bus stop.
Your essay would be more compelling if you put extra emphasis on how you manage to organize your homework into sections of time after you get home from your long part-time job.
So I mean, you have the general idea of the essay down, but your focus is a little questionable.
(You also don't spend enough time explaining why you are proud of this quality of yours.)
How does this scheduled day relate to you? Also, is this a "personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience"? It may fit well with the first UC prompt if you edit it, but I'm not sure if it fits with the second UC prompt.
I think you have a solid essay, and I found no grammatical errors. I think that you are addressing your ability to stay organized and your time management skills in a creative way. Are you interested in a specific major that ties into your ability to work so well under pressure? There may be a deeper idea here- like how this relates to the area you hope to study, however you may have addressed this in your Prompt #1.
Overall it is a clear essay, and congratulations.
Wow thank you so much :)!!!! Yes I addressed my interest and my major(biology) in my other essay. Thanks for the comment!!
