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UofI Champaign-Urbana admissions essay


AlexJ444 1 / -  
Aug 28, 2007   #1
Hi, I have to write two essays for my application to U of I in Champaign-Urbana, each having to consist of at least 300 words. I would greatly appreciate any help on either of the essays. So if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.

The first essay is: Tell us more about yourself by providing information not addressed elsewhere on this application. In an essay of about 300 words, describe your passions and special interests. In your opinion, what makes you unique?

"I am my own matchless self," That is what I enjoy telling myself day after day. There is nothing more important in life than to be your own person, to do the things you love, and to live your life to its full potential. I believe that I am unique because of my personal interests, as well as my distinct personality.

What I truly love about my hometown, Chicago, is the ever changing weather around us. Currently it is summer and although many people think of this as the season of high humidity, sweat, and constant torturous heat beating down upon us, I view it as an opportunity to be outdoors and enjoy the limited time when I have the luxury of wearing loose, comfortable clothing. Summer is the only time I can explore my typically unheard of interest referred to as longboarding. Most people look at me and ask, "You mean skateboarding?" They couldn't be more wrong about calling it a skateboard; in fact, longboarding bears no similarities to skateboarding other than it being a board on wheels. "Surfing the pavement," is the term I use. There is nothing comparable to soaring down sunbleached streets on a scorching summer day and feeling the cool wind rush past you.

Since the summer season here doesn't last very long, with our first snowfall I adjust my outdoor activities. Winter brings brisk air which keeps you cool with even the most upbeat activity. Cruising down the mountains on my snowboard is my winter. Unfortunately, Chicago is not the ideal place for my favorite athletic interest, but that could never deter me from exploring this sport especially considering that the best part of it is traveling America in constant search of yet higher mountains and more beautiful terrain. Not only do I get to enjoy gliding down mountains at high speeds, but I am privileged enough to be able to see other parts of our vast and beautiful country.

Although I try my best to involve myself in these two sports as frequently as possible, it is not always the right time or place for either. When this is the case I pursue other interests which include furthering my knowledge in the field of automotives as well as in the endlessly beautiful world of musical art on my electric guitar. Neither of these activites are restricted due to weather conditions, enabling me to enjoy both on a year-round basis.

My interests along with my personality is the unique combination which makes me the only person who exists in this world who will ever be me. Iearned over the last several years how important it is to make your own choices. That is the only way to ensure true happiness and fulfillment. Although I've developed passion for some very high-energy activities, my personality is quite the contrary. I am extremely laid back, not to be mistaken for lazy. This combination allows me to multi-task with little or no stress. I believe this will be of great benefit to me as I put forth my best effort in my upcoming adult years which will certainly unveil more difficult challenges.

The second essay is: In an essay of about 300 words, tell us more about your professional and intellectual aspirations and prior personal experiences relevant to your choice of a specific college or academic program at the University of Illinois.

It is September 1, 2007 and it is hard to believe I am writing the most important essay of my life so far. How well I express myself could definitely impact my soon-to-begin college career and subsequent work career. Athough I am unsure of my future career at this time, I am able to say that I am skilled in several areas with the potential in each area to help me in my final career decision.

Since I was 16 I have been employed at my local grocery store Jewel-Osco and was recently promoted to cashier. In part, I am holding this job while trying to balance my academic and social life in order to financially contribute towards my goal, which is to attend the University of Illinois.

Currently, I am applying myself to several varied interests, one of them being automotive classes. Over the last summer I spent much of my time assisting my friend in his auto mechanics shop to further develop my skills in automotives. In a more office-like environment, I contributed some spare time to my father's export business. I handled accounting tasks, prepared quotes, negotiated with factories, as well as placed purchase orders.

A third area I have involved myself with is computers. My interest and understanding of computers has allowed me to build my own personal computer as opposed to simply purchasing a pre-built one. Possessing a general education in the field of computers has been of great assistance in both academic projects as well as my father's business. Through self acquired experience I now have the ability to apply my knowledge of computers to my future tasks, and I feel that this expertise will be of great aid in both my future education and career.

I recognize I will be looking toward a great deal of both academic and personal growth in my upcoming college years. I am extremely excited at the prospect of achieving these goals in Champaign-Urbana and look forward to meeting the upcoming challenges which lie ahead.

Thanks for any help! I appreciate it!

Alex

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Aug 29, 2007   #2
Greetings!

I think you have written a couple of great essays! The only suggestion I would make content-wise about the first one is that you explain why longboarding is nothing like skateboarding, because to someone who has never heard of longboarding, from your description (a board on wheels), they sound just alike. How are they different? That was the question I found myself asking.

In your second essay, you did a marvelous job of talking about your skills without putting too much emphasis on the fact that you are not yet sure what your career path will be; I think you struck a nice balance!

Here are a few copy-editing suggestions:

"I am my own matchless self." That is what I enjoy telling myself day after day. - You need either a period after self, or "that" must start with a small "t". I think it's better this way.

but that could never deter me from exploring this sport, [add comma] especially considering that the best part of it is traveling America

Iearned over the last several years how important it is to make your own choices. - You probably meant to type "I learned"?

Since I was 16, [add comma] I have been employed at my local grocery store, [add comma] Jewel-Osco, [add comma] and ...

Good work and best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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