I know its due on Monday, work my best when time is against me though.
Have this essay at 702 words, even though being the youngest at an internship isn't a major setback I though it would be appropriate. If anyone could help me revise it, cut it down, and just discuss it/ if it fits the prompt of :Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?:
My freshly ironed shirt quickly became soaked with sweat as my nerves got the best of me on that hot summer day. As I walked in a daze down Wall Street, I knocked into numerous rushed business people with their cups of coffee and briefcases in tow. My heart started to race as I finally arrived at the New York Mercantile Exchange and I was filled with trepidation. I could not believe that I was going to spend my entire summer here. The place that I had visited in my mind so many times surpassed even my wildest expectations. I found myself amidst a whirlwind of traders, runners, and clerks, hustling just minutes before the opening bell. Men in jackets with strange three or four-letter badges conversed in an unfamiliar language with each other, and I caught pieces of conversation that floated through the air. Where is crude going to go? What are the spreads looking like?
I quickly found the elevator, crammed inside of it, and rode it up to the twelfth floor where MBF Clearing Firm was located. I reluctantly pushed open the door of the conference room, where I found the twenty-nine other interns. Each intern exuded a sense of maturity and professionalism, proudly holding their copies of the Wall Street Journal and the Financial Times. My face turned red and the perspiration began once again as I began to feel like I seriously did not belong here. What was I thinking? Me, a mere high school sophomore working together with college kids? I considered lying to my father about working here and hiding out in Starbucks every day instead. I finally got myself to sit down next to a guy named Matt, who quizzed me on various trading strategies. I could see the thought entering his mind: what is this sixteen year old doing in the same internship as me?
When the CEO and founder of MBF arrived he explained the trading competition we would all take part in. The thirty interns would be split up in to teams, and each team would receive $200,000 to trade any stock or commodity it wished. Whichever team made the most return on its investments at the end of the internship would be the winner. I cringed when after announcing all of the teams the CEO pointed to my future team and said, "you four - baby-sit the little highschooler." Despite my flushed face, I was suddenly empowered with a newfound determination to succeed in this competition.
With my endless drive, I used all of my free time wisely. I started reading financial periodicals, and watched Mad Money on television every night. I even started my own personal trading account, and placed every dollar I had ever saved into it. Trading suddenly became a reality as I experienced real gains and losses, and handled my own books at the end of each day. Before I knew it, I had transformed into the person I was initially intimated by. After I had made a few winning trades, my teammates no longer viewed me as someone they had to "baby-sit," and started asking me for my opinions. Encouraged by their newfound respect for me, I decided it was time to be more outspoken and really contribute to my team, which had quickly fallen into last place. Together, my teammates and I worked vigorously to improve our rank. Our hard work ultimately paid off; we won the competition!
By the end of the summer, I learned a tremendous amount about the stock market and developed my trading skills. More importantly though, I learned many lessons that I will have with me for the rest of my life. I realized that it is crucial to be active and outspoken in both business and life in order to be noticed and move higher up the success ladder. I also understood that it is not one's age that determines whether or not a person will succeed. Rather, it is the determination and willingness to do well, the drive and fire that ignites in a person day after day, inspiring him to do whatever it takes to reach his goal.
Let me know,
All suggestions appreciated
Jake
It's pretty tight, in one pass I only managed to find a few errors. I'm 17 myself, I can relate to the theme of your story about not being taken seriously due to an age limitation, even more so because I am a finance major and trade and invest myself (I'm hoping to do my MBA at UofMd as well when the day comes). At the same time I feel it would be inappropriate to advise you on schematics or anything with serious bearing on the outcome of your paper for that matter. I am happy to make a few minor suggestions that I feel I am at liberty to discuss. Then,
the few errors I did manage to find:
8th line from the bottom, I think you intend to say "intimidated" instead of intimated
2nd line from the top is a little awkward for my taste, rephrase or replace a few words, perhaps "I exchanged shoulders ..." a little refinement is in order.
Now that I think about it, I could probably point out these minor infractions all throughout your paper, but that is not what you posted help for. That said, I think you were a little terse in explaining what lesson you learned, and whatever story or theme you do decide to go with, make sure your writing is crisp because that can often salvage an otherwise unsatisfactory essay.
As I walked in a daze down Wall Street, I bumped into numerous rushed business people with their cups of coffee and briefcases in tow.
The thirty interns would be split upinto teams, and each team would receive $200,000 to trade any stock or commodity it wished.
Before I knew it, I had transformed into the person I was initially intimidated by.
This is a good essay, good luck in school!
:)
