Hi, guys.
I'd appreciate suggestions on how to improve one of my essays for UPenn. I think the essay is better than average/good but it's not eye-catching. Any suggestions would be welcome.
Ben Franklin once said, "All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move." Which are you?
"To be, or not to be," is life's ultimate question. It forces us to glance into ourselves and search for answers to life's both commonplace and intricate questions. The subjects - human beings - travel along a convoluted path, encountering a chain of questions in their attempt to demystify life's fundamental meaning: who are we? In order to be able to answer that principal query, all of us must possess the ability to move.
Last year's events summarize my "moving" attempt to answer this question.
While most of my classmates were fervently occupied in completing college applications, I found myself pitched precariously in an argument between my conscience and my skepticism. With each passing day, I struggled to find an answer to how to tell - let alone convince - my parents to let me opt out of the choice of studying medicine at college. As the deadlines to submit college applications drew closer, I found myself emotionally perturbed and agitated, as I labored in my attempts to firmly grasp my dilemma.
Time ticked away with each passing second; soon, the scorching heat waves replaced the moderately chilly winter weather and high school finally came to an end. As my fellow peers embarked on the transition from high school to college during summer, I was left to repent my despicable luck. Assessing the possibility of being coerced into not being able to pursue my aspirations, I was left dispirited. However, I didn't realize that the source of my disillusionment would eventually serve as an impetus for me to turn my biggest undoing into my ultimate triumph. As my emotional discontentment grew day by day, I became empowered to take a stand for myself, sequentially resulting in me breaking the ice to my parents at a weekly family gathering.
The driving force behind my decision was that to move equates to to take an initiative. No matter what decision an individual needs to make, there is always a goal behind it. To move is the first step towards achieving that goal, and in order to move in the right direction, one must move in conjunction with his intuition. Hence, an individual's decision to move can only be considered right if it conforms to his perception. This epiphany has played a crucial role in molding my personality. I have come to realize that a plethora of solutions exist to life's commonplace questions; however, only a subset of those apply to a particular individual. The appreciation of this notion has enabled me to move frequently, initiating a tiresome yet worth-while process of self-determination, which culminates in me explicating the solutions to the question: who am I?
Benjamin Franklin characterized mankind in three interlaced terms. Exclusively, one term cannot elucidate the amalgam of an individual's experiences and observations. However, in an attempt to initiate the process of delineating a person's standing in this world, one must be ready to move and be ready to adapt to the rigors of this perpetual process. There is no end to life, and there is never an end to this arduous yet self-fulfilling process.
Words: 514
Didgeridoo hit the spot.
College essays are not like English papers. We understand you have eloquent command of language, but it sucks out all emotion out of your paper. It's so dry.
To be honest, I read the first paragraph and just wanted to stop.
Sorry for being too frank.
