Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.
Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?
I'm worried about my last paragraph- does that fall flat? Of course, any other general critiquing/editing would be appreciated.
It came before he established Philadelphia's first fire department; it was the cause of the United States' first lending library; it evolved into the American Philosophical Society. One of Franklin's first endeavors, the Junto was perhaps the group that most represented his ideals. A group of all walks of life- artisans, tradesmen, businessmen- the Junto were united under the common goals of improving themselves and improving society. It was, so to say, a community serving the community.
That being said, I truly believe that the University of Pennsylvania got it right with its School of Engineering and Applied Sciences (SEAS). SEAS captures the spirits of Franklin and the Junto alike- its mission statement, to "not only advance science and engineering, but also [to] dramatically impact society as a whole", is the statement of a school I would truly be proud to attend.
When it comes down to it, engineering is about more than the acquisition of knowledge. Engineering is problem solving- it's finding how to use the knowledge we have to create innovative tools which improve our lives. As a research facility, UPenn demonstrates this time and time again. From antimicrobial pipes to nanoscale circuit boards to portable water filters, innovations are constantly emerging from the minds of Penn thinkers at SEAS. These innovations, in turn, directly benefit the community of UPenn as well as the world as a whole.
Aside from its world-renowned research facilities, I believe Penn can thank itself for its particularly fecund student population. With programs such as its Rachleff Scholars program, UPenn thrusts opportunity into the hands of its students, jumpstarting innovation. I'm particularly interested in the Rachleff Scholars program- its three focuses are the heart of engineering. Research, advanced studies, and networking with those in the field, the Rachleff program sets its students up for success.
In all of UPenn, though, I see a school that has similar values to myself. The community there is hard working, ambitious, and united under a single goal- the innovation of knowledge, the implementation of that knowledge, and, ultimately, the improvement of society. Sharing this goal, I do more that merely picture myself at UPenn; I have a bonafide will to go there. I want to join a school that prides itself on giving back to the community.
At UPenn, I see myself not only as active in research at SEAS, but also as fully involved in the greater UPenn community. I know myself: I am a leader and a worker. When I join a community, I am more than a spectator. I become a participant and a contributor. Moreover, my interests are varied- from music to sports to community service, I'm a player in many circles of life. When I toured UPenn, I loved Locust Walk- the community involvement and student activism captivated me. More than that, it demonstrates a healthy intellectual community. Like Franklin recognized with the Junto, an intellectual community is healthiest when comprised of ideas stemming from diverse interests. Indeed, the diversity of the student population, along with that population's enthusiasm, is one aspect that makes the school unique.
I want to go to UPenn because I want to improve the world. Simply stated, this lofty goal is the impetus of my life and essential to my college search. UPenn presents me opportunities- UPenn offers me communities that I can grow in, contribute to, and eventually become a leader in. A campus rife with ideas at a research institution combined with a service-based mission, UPenn is the school for me.
i think you've got a good balance of writing about the school and about how you'd contribute it, something I'm struggling with...one question though, were we supposed to include social AND academic communities, or just choose one? it looks like you've only written about the academic, but dont the adcoms want to see balance between social and academic? not sure
I chose to focus on academic because my actual app focuses more on social aspects. I briefly mention a vague "student activism" in a weak attempt to clarify social communities, but I leave the rest in my app... to be honest I ran out of space.
As for you, I don't know your specific situation. I'm sure adcoms would like a balance, yes, but I'm no adcom, I can't really say. I'd say try and make a strong argument for something, and work in both if you can; that's more important than making a weak argument for everything.
A group of all walks of life- artisans, tradesmen, businessmen- the Junto were united under the common goals of improving themselves and improving society.
----Could be revised to active voice.
I am particularly interested in the Rachleff Scholars program- its three focuses are the heart of engineering.
* Note: Vary sentence structure, maybe you can replace some dashes with commas or other appropriate punctuation.
In all of UPenn, though, I see a school that has similar values to myself.
It was, so to say, a community serving the community.
That being said, I truly believe that the University of Pennsylvania got it right with its School of Engineering and Applied Sciences (SEAS).
-----Those clauses seem unnecessary to me, but it is your choice/style.
Sharing this goal, I do more than merely picture myself at UPenn; I have a bonafide will to go there.
I want to go to UPenn because I want to improve the world.
-----How exactly will you do this?
I actually liked the first paragraph. I think it really shows that you have done your research, which further demonstrates that you are invested in this school. I feel like that will go a long way in an essay like this.
I think the only line that really fell flat in my eyes was "I want to go to UPenn because I want to improve the world." It feels very disconnected from the rest of the paper, which is very factual and specific. Cliches are fine I think, but I just don't like how that sentence fit into the paper. Personally I think this essay sounds better without the first two sentences of the final paragraph.
BTW, if you could look at my rewrite, that would be great :)
