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UPenn Academic and Social Communities Supplement


sbdaiquiri 8 / 21  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are the most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

Any suggestions for improvement?
Please help me with wording the parts in bold and any other problem areas.
Much thanks!
I will be happy to return the favor if you wish!

(At the moment, my essay is two sentences over the one page limit.)
Connected to specific communities at UPenn, my greatest interests are rooted in health, service, and heritage. My interest in health and human wellness has led me to the discovery of Penn's Health and Societies program, a program through which I can give back to society. As a national leader in service learning and service research, Penn is the place where I can carry on my activism in the local community. Given the opportunity, I will be eager to effect change with my engagement and dedication. With my unique Chinese upbringing and deep interest in Asian cultures, I believe I can be a unique addition to Penn's cultural environment.

Committed to use what I learn to do good for others, I find the applicability of the Health and Societies major exciting. Health has become more than a matter of lifestyle; it has become an area of academic inquiry I want to dedicate my time and effort towards exploring. Such interest comes from my late grandmother, who became paralyzed by an unforeseen cerebral aneurysm, after years of being healthy. To examine debilitating health circumstances of this kind, I will have to look at perspectives besides those of the sciences. Hence, I am interested in the Health and Societies major. This major brings together social sciences, humanities and medicine, which holds relevance to complex, contemporary health issues that are best addressed by multidisciplinary solutions. This area of study fits my initiatives to study human wellbeing and to prevent maladies like the one that had befallen my grandmother. To this community, I can lend my creative thinking skills and my dedication to improve the wellbeing of others.

The joy I find in service work has sparked my interest in Penn's Civic House and its commitment to volunteerism. At this hub for community service and social advocacy, I can delve into service work that I am familiar with and extend my involvement to those I am unfamiliar with. Having worked as a tutor and a teacher's assistant for four years, I would enjoy being a part of the group of students who work with local public students as a part of academic coursework in various disciplines and as a way of giving back to the Philadelphia community. Perhaps, I could tutor Algebra one-on-one with students through the West Philadelphia Tutoring Project or utilize my experience as an English tutor to help local students with their reading and writing skills through the pen pal program Pennvelopes. With my background as a hospital volunteer in high school and a Red Cross volunteer in middle school, I can also take my experience to the public health service organizations at Penn. I aspire to become a global citizen who reaches out to her community and to the greater community at large.

As a proud student of color, I am drawn to the groups, within the Pan-Asian American Community House, where I can discover new insights into my own culture and other Asian cultures. In particular, I am interested in the Chinese Students' Association. I can offer my skills as a Chinese chef and my experience as an Asian-American. My mom has passed down to me family recipes that are continually perfected and augmented from spicy sautéed eggplants to braised layered-pork with Chinese preserved vegetables. As an avid fan of stories, I have knowledge in classic Chinese literature such as my favorite The Dream of Red Chamber. My devotion to Chinese culture extends to other Asian cultures as well. I have immersed myself in Asian culture, whether it is cinema, cuisine, music, or literature. My background and enthusiasm in these areas of interest can be of value to PAACH and the cultural community.

Within the Penn communities, I can carry out my intellectual endeavors, cultivate current interests, discover new experiences, and give back to society. What I can offer to these communities is my sense of determination and pride in what I do. My contribution can also come in the form of experience, experience as a volunteer and as a Chinese-American. As the University of Pennsylvania will be able to facilitate my efforts so I will thrive to be an active member of the University community.

amandahart 4 / 15  
Dec 31, 2009   #2
first paragraph: effect should be affect. affect is the verb, effect the noun.
OP sbdaiquiri 8 / 21  
Dec 31, 2009   #3
I believe "effect change" is an idiom. Nonetheless, thx for taking the time to comment.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jan 8, 2010   #4
Hi Yuanchi, I'm sorry I am so late in helping with this. It has been busy lately... I appreciate all the help you have been giving other writers here at EF.

Committed to (the task of) using what I learn to do good...

With my unique Chinese upbringing and deep interest in Asian cultures, I believe I can be a unique addition to Penn's cultural environment.------this thesis sentence could be more specific. You could give a "snapshot" of what is going on RIGHT NOW with your interest in Asian cultures and take a shot at trying to capture in words just how that interest will enhance your ability to "contribute" and just what your contribution might cnsist of. You can even add another sentence to the end of that intro paragraph in order to get more specific if you want to.

:-)


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