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UPENN essay- Benjamin Franklin.


IntlIndian /  
Dec 12, 2009   #1
Please review and critique this ASAP. Any suggestions are welcome as always. I think I posted this before but it's deleted now. So please help and don't delete it :)

Answer the essay question: (do not exceed one page.)

3. Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?


All my life, I have shuttled from badminton and tennis lessons to art and ballet lessons. Being a person with varied interests, I feel that the numerous student organizations, social and academic communities will really help develop my interests and skills. By being part of these communities, I will not only be able to contribute to the community but also get an opportunity to channelize my energy well. I am prepared for a challenging, invigorating academic program at UPenn and would like to unwind and relax during my free time by being a part of organizations. I feel that these are dually beneficial as I will be able to relax as well as apply my mind and body to something I really enjoy doing.

Through my research, I found that many of the communities and organizations at UPenn greatly interest me. Because of my strong desire to be a truly global citizen and make a positive difference in the world, I was immediately drawn towards the Amnesty International organization and the International Relations Undergradute Student Association. Through being a part of each of these organizations, I will be able to increase my knowledge and experience and thus give my education as an International Relations major, more depth and increase my all-round knowledge of the subject. I have always been horrified by the human rights violations and political imprisonments that occur around the world, even in my own country which is why I have a special interest in the Amnesty International Organization. Ever since I first learnt about Amnesty International, through a Grade 6 history project, and its efforts to make the world a better place to live in, I have been fascinated by it and always wanted to be a part of it. I think I can contribute to this organization by bringing my first hand experience and knowledge about numerous types of violations of rights, as they are openly evident on every street in India. I can contribute to the IRUSA by bringing my unique and sometimes bizarre ideas to the table and by bringing my diversity and knowledge about Indian culture and heritage, along with my in-depth knowledge about certain other countries in the world and the relations between them.

I have a passion for debating and public speaking, which is why I was drawn to the International Affairs Association, the Penn Model Congress and the Penn Mock Trial organization. I have been participating in Model United Nations Conferences ever since I was 14 and have even helped organize two Bangalore Model United Nations Conferences in 2006 and 2007. With my experience and flair for debate at MUN's, I think I will be able to contribute greatly to the International Affairs Association. I will be able to help organize the annual ILMUNC and will be able to join the Penn MUN team, if given an opportunity. I have been commended on my performance at MUN conferences more than once, at The Sophia's MUN, the Bangalore MUN and the Aditi MUN and have even been selected to attend the Harvard MUN in January 2010. In 2008, the team of which I was an active participant secured the second place in Cottonian Courtroom, a moot court. My debating and communication skills along with my awareness and passion for discussing the international community and quick thinking will help me to contribute immensely to these three organizations.

I enjoy outdoor activities and have tried everything from parasailing and rock climbing to river crossing and rappelling. Physical activity always calms me down and makes me happy. I feel that Penn Outdoors organization is a place where I will belong. I have always been a spontaneous person, since I love challenges I am usually willing to try anything - so I will be able to contribute to this organization by helping other people overcome their fears and inhibitions, even while overcoming my own.
allathlete5 5 / 19  
Dec 12, 2009   #2
This is a great essay! I really like it. I didn't seem to find any grammatical errors, but one thing i think that ending the essay with the outdoor activities doesn't really wrap it up like it should. I was thinking maybe switching the last two paragraphs, but im not really sure..

Maybe what you need to do is just add a stronger sentence to end the essay. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but do you know what I mean?
rmsurprenant 1 / 3  
Dec 13, 2009   #3
i am also writing this essay for UPenn, and your take on it was very good!

i agree though, the last paragraph about being outdoors doesnt have the same impact as the 1st two paragraphs. if there is anything more you could say about the club you want to join - maybe walks they do or nature scences, the view of campus...

but either way, try and conclude your essay with 1-2 sentences about UPenn as a whole and how you would fit in, for all the great reasons youve given.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 14, 2009   #4
Nicely done! The last paragraph is what I would want you to change, though. Don't end with a paragraph about the Outdoors Org. ... instead include that in the body of the essay, and save your last para for reflecting on your plans, evaluating or scrutinizing your own ideas, and considering what this plan means for your time at the school.


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