Hello again, this is one of two essays that I wrote for this prompt. (this one is kind of the disaster one, so I'm probably going to use the other one) Its also a combo of every other essay I have written so far. Please give feed back!
3. Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.
Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?
Thuy-Khue Tran is Common Application ID number _______. I am a number. I am another application in a stack of hundreds. I can only hope and dream that double spaced 12 point font can fully portray the extent of my ambitions and the essence of who I am, but only my family members- all 200 of them- know me well beyond an application number. Thus, I am searching for an extended family within the halls of University of Pennsylvania-a second home can provide me with an academic and supportive community.
University of Pennsylvania's community of students and faculty members will guide me to build a strong foundation in mathematics, science, humanities and language-- nurturing its students to become true renaissance men and women. Distinct programs like the Bioengineering Program will allow me to satiate my curiosity for the natural world by discovering all the possibilities that it contains, whether it be by turning material waste into energy, growing bones for stem cells or finding a cure for the hiccups. The laboratories will be my playground-a glorious oasis where I can explore, hypothesize and experiment. At the School of Engineering and Applied Science, I will not only uphold a high degree of academic excellence, but also a high degree of ethical excellence.
In the future, I hope to join University of Pennsylvania's Engineers Without Borders chapter-a group that maintains a moral standard of an engineer's obligation to the public, profession and to the world. My membership will serve as a medium to my power to change the world and shape the direction of the future as an engineer. The walls of a classroom will not limit my work in engineering for I plan to use my skills to help improve the quality of life for people struggling to get access to water in Zambia or Cameroon. By joining, I will advocate and pass on the philosophy of Engineers Without Borders because UPenn will have taught me to use my education to make a difference, whether it be in a local neighborhood or in a neighborhood that is four thousand miles away. The Upenn community is not restricted by the gates of its campus or any other physical barrier; it is boundless because it lies in the spirit and actions of the students and faculty. As a part of this unique community, I will put my efforts into the service of helping others from all backgrounds: from fourth graders in West Philadelphia with the Netter Center for Community Partnerships to mothers in third-world countries with Engineers Without Borders. There is irreplaceable compassion and diversity in the community of University of Pennsylvania much like in a family.
Therefore I find UPpenn a perfect match, for I seek a home away from home, the college of my dreams, a sanctuary of higher learning, and the key to emancipate the full extent of my knowledge. It is important that I find my niche where other gifted minds see UPenn's limitless opportunities as their beacon to go above and beyond and to exceed all expectations-even their own. I have found my niche at University of Pennsylvania; it is where I belong.
Whether I am in the great lecture auditorium at UPenn or in my cozy living room, I am still not simply Common Application ID number ________. I am a young woman striving for the extraordinary, living my life without inhibitions hoping to encounter a little thing called happiness.
"I am a young woman striving for the extraordinary, living my life without inhibitions
and hoping to encounter a little thing called happiness."
"...double spaced 12 point font can fully portray the extent of my ambitions and
the essence of who I am..."
"my membership will serve as a medium to my capacity and power to change the world and shape the direction of the future as an engineer..."
Medium to your capacity and power? It sounds a little strange. Maybe phrase it differently?
Therefore I find Upenn a perfect match, for I seek a sanctuary of higher learning, a key to emancipate the full extent of my knowledge and the college of my dreams.
How can you "emancipate", or liberate, the college of your dream??
Anyway, great essay! You conveyed your love for science and your desire to help others very well:)
While I like your first paragraph, I think it is too negative for a college essay... it belongs more in a short story you would write in your spare time. Plus it does not address the topic.
I think the first sentence of the second paragraph is unnecessary; you've brought up and define something the school already knows.
The rest of the paragraph is very good though.
Though you tied the first paragraph to the final sentence... the idea is not used throughout the essay, so I still believe it is irrelevant.
You have four completely different paragraphs/stories bunched into the same space.
Now I understand why you mentioned its a combination.
But in reality, it's not combined together at all.
Find a way to connect your thoughts.
My suggestion would be to point out that both the Bioengineering Program of Pennsylvania's Engineers Without Borders chapter attract you greatly and you wouldnt hesitate to join the minute you hopped on campus.
You could say that in the fourth paragraph...
It's just really choppy. Find transition sentences to really combine them all.
University of Pennsylvania's Educational Objectives encourage students to build a strong foundation
Overall, great work! LOVE to word choice!
Thuy-Khue Tran is Common Application ID number __________. Quote it or rephrase, it's in third person. I am a number.
They will tell you that I am the girl who bursts out laughing in dead silence, builds Rubens' Tubes for fun, or cries when her dad eats her pet lobster. Thus, I am searching for an extended family within University of Pennsylvania that can provide me with an academic and supportive community.
The last two sentences don't read connect, the one before doesn't cause the one after
Distinct programs like the Bioengineering Program will allow me to satiate my curiosity for the natural world by Sounds like the program is discovering, wording needs to be changed discovering all the possibilities that it contains, whether it be by turning material waste into energy, growing bones for stem cells or finding a cure for the hiccups.
-Needs transitions between the paragraphs. There's little flow.
-Upenn -> UPenn
-You say how you contribute to everything else but how will you contribute to the school?
Here's me returning the favor!
I can only hope and dream that double spaced 12 point font can fully portray the extent of my ambitions and the essence of who I am, but only my family members- all 200 of them- know me well beyond an application number
The whole sentence doesn't seem right to me.
obligation to the public, profession and to the world
I am a young woman striving for the extraordinary, living my life without inhibitions, hoping to encounter a little thing called happiness.
But wow, overall I loved your essay!! A really excellent piece of work :)
Good luck with Penn!
Therefore I find UPpenn a perfect match, for I seek a home away from home, the college of my dreams, a sanctuary of higher learning, and the key to emancipate the full extent of my knowledge.
that line belongs in the paragraph before it instead of the last paragraph.
I am still not simply Common Application ID number ________.
This line is phrased awkwardly. It sounds too passive.
Good Luck in you applications!! It's the final push =)
The UpennUPenn community is not restricted by the gates of its campus or any other physical barrier; it is boundless because it lies in the spirit and actions of the students and faculty.
Therefore I find UPpennUPenn a perfect match, for I seek a home away from home, the college of my dreams,
I like the last lines. Very straightforward.
Just minor edits, I know didn't help much. But, yea. :)
If you have spare time.. please leave some feedbacks on mine. thanks.
Oh, I love your first paragraph. Very nicely done.
The only little nitpicky thing I noticed was in the very last sentence. You talk about trying to find happiness, and it reads in a different tone than I think you meant it to. It's quite a change from the tone in the rest of the essay, in which I can picture you as a cheerful, dedicated person. All of a sudden, you've not known happiness. Perhaps I'm reading too much into that, but you want to be cautious of essentially telling the AdCom that you've based your future happiness purely on being at UPenn.
Otherwise, a very nicely done essay!
It is a great essay. however, I wish you elaborated more on what qualities, skills, etc. you possess now and how they will augment Penn. You speak well-versed volumes of how penn is for you... but think to yourself: how are you for penn?
I just want you to present the best version of you as possible. and if you answer my question that will turn this essay from great to fantastic. :)
hope I helped. - I'm a pretty rough reader, and I'm sorry I can't meticulously edit for grammar. My eyes are killing me! Perhaps i'll take another look in the future and go through it with a fine tooth comb like my other read throughs.
Hey there =)
Nice first paragraph. Definitely catched my attention. You should add how you will contribute to the Penn community in your second paragraph.
Will you take a look at mine?
okay so i have pretty terrible grammar, so i dont want to mess you up anywhere, but your essay is very well-written! (=
personally though, i did not like so much your beginning and ending. i mean your ending saying that you are a young woman striving for the extroadinary does not really distinguish you from other applicants which is what upenn is looking for.
hope this helps and thank you again for reading my essay! (=
