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UPenn Communities Essay... a balance between work and play


Mjtorain 2 / 4  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
I need some constructive criticism... How can I edit this down so I can meet the one page requirement? What should I delete?

Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

Maya Angelou, my namesake, once said that "in diversity there is beauty and there is strength." As I strolled down Locust Walk through the bustling University of Pennsylvania campus on a brisk Monday morning, I saw the faces of the world, people of all colors and shades; the community that laid before me was surely one of strength and beauty. Diversity of mind, spirit, and heritage has always been of great importance in my life, and through participation in the Greenfield Intercultural Center and interdisciplinary programs, I will aid in the effort to spread cultural awareness and tolerance and thus help make the University of Pennsylvania as a whole a more beautiful place to be.

Exploring the communities at Penn, I was immediately drawn to the goals of intercultural unity and awareness pursued by the Greenfield Intercultural Center. Though America is often known as the melting pot of the world, it is flawed in what I recognize to be a strong presence of self-segregation. In the lunch room of my high school, this segregation exposes itself visually; it's astonishing to see the stark divisions. We are together in the same cafeteria, yet separated by habitual judgments and mindsets on the issue of race. True diversity will only be attained once we all learn that we are more alike than we are different. This is a message espoused by the Greenfield Intercultural Center. This community helps unite the people of Penn, who come from all different backgrounds and walks of life, and promote a sense of true diversity on the campus. What interests me the most about this community are the intercultural dialogues that it hosts. If people are given an opportunity to simply talk, candidly and openly, to someone of a different ethnicity, powerful change can be made.

To Greenfield Intercultural Center and the greater Penn community, I would contribute my unique insight and experience, and help strengthen the diversity of the school. One program in particular to which I feel I would make a significant impact is that of Alliance and Understanding. This program explores the historical connections between the Black and Jewish communities in an effort to improve relations between the two groups on the Penn campus. As a member of the Elijah Cummings Youth Program in Israel, I have been working towards a similar mission in the city of Baltimore. I traveled to Israel in the summer of my junior year to learn about the origins and similarities between the Christianity and Judaism, and formed lasting friendships with Jews from all over the world. I gained a new perspective and understanding of the two cultures that I would enjoy sharing with the community at Penn.

At UPenn, there is also a freedom of thought that I would love to absorb and soak in. As a girl of many interests and aspirations, ranging from psychology and biology to history and business, the interdisciplinary programs intrigue me. They provide limitless opportunities for research across intertwining areas of study, satisfying my intellectual curiosity. The Biological Basis of Behavior major combines my innate desire to observe and question behavior with an interest in natural sciences. Engaging in this program I would be able to study the relationship of the body and mind on varying levels, exploring life beyond its deceptive surface.

Still more amazing about UPenn is what is found outside the classroom, beyond the academics and late night studying; the diversity of interests. Students have a balance between work and play, and find time to take advantage of the whole college experience, whether it is by tossing a Frisbee or going rock climbing. Personally, I have a passion for sports; specifically track and field. Track is a release for me; I love the spirit, the anxious feeling I get in the pit of my stomach as I line up at the start or prepare to leap over the high jump bar. I plan to join the UPenn Quakers varsity track and field team, contributing my talents and learning from theirs.
tkkt1 11 / 47  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
I traveled to Israel in the summer of my junior year to learn about the origins and similarities between the Christianity and Judaism, and formed lasting friendships with Jews from all over the worldIt seems like you're singling that group out which is a bit awkward. Also, clarify what you mean by all over the world because you only visited one country..

Other than that, really good essay. You answer the prompt very well.

Return the favor and read my essay please.
OP Mjtorain 2 / 4  
Dec 29, 2009   #3
Thanks, I kinda felt that akwardness too. I stayed at a youth village that served as a refuge for kids from all over the world (Ethiopia, Russia, Kazastan...). Anything I should remove?
mitzimadrid - / 2  
Dec 29, 2009   #4
'This program explores the historical connections between the Black and Jewish communities in an effort to improve relations between the two groups on the Penn campus.' I think the person who will be reading your essay will pretty much know what the program is about, i personally believe you could take that out, as your explanation of why this programs intrests you shows that you know what the program is about


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