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UPenn supplement essay -what I can contribute to community

HBZ 4 / 6  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
Prompt: Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

I wasn't more than six when my mom jokingly told me that one of my first words was "doctor". Ironically enough, I have since grown to have a profound love for the sciences- biology in particular. I've always more interested in giving than receiving and I see medicine as a channel through which I can offer help to those in need, while at the same time, doing something I enjoy. Of course the occasional jiving by my parents calling me "Dr. Buchanan" did play its part, however small, in encouraging me. My drive however, comes from a much deeper source- a passion for science. This passion will be further be harnessed through the tightly knit programs offered at CAS(College of Arts and Sciences) which will mold the future physicians of the world through its rigor, flexibility and stimulating cohort. Their top notch laboratories and specialized equipment make for endless opportunities in the field of science.

As a past National Junior Chess Champion, I will be able to make a great contribution to the UPenn's Chess Club and to the school's larger community. The game has taught me the importance of patience, focus and analytical thinking- qualities vital for development in a college atmosphere. I will be able to teach as I was taught and advise as I was given advice.

Having fell in love with the piano from an early age I quickly jumped at the opportunity to take lessons in an attempt to become the "Beethoven" of the 21st century, and in no time was playing melodies from active hearing alone. Between my strenuous academic work and demanding extra-curricular activities, playing the piano gives me a chance to relax. The Blutt College House Music Program will allow me to continue taking lessons in an effort to better myself. UPenn's decorated music department will help to harness my skills and develop them to the highest level.

Coming from Small Island in the Caribbean, I have values, beliefs and morals of my own. Travelling the world, I have learnt the importance of interacting with others and appreciating a way of life other than your own. I believe that I will be able to pass these experiences and my own values onto the members of the tightly knit UPenn society - one which prides itself on diversity and understanding. After all, no man is and island.

The University of Pennsylvania hosts a body of people of the highest esteem: talented, discipline and focused. Its picturesque campus is situated near the heart of Philadelphia, top notch research programs and unlimited resources consolidate what it truly is- a complete prestigious school where failure is not an option.

Any advice is welcome!

Anticipating replies
danielhe 4 / 13  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
I've always more interested in giving than receiving
-change to-
I've always been more interested in giving than receiving.

'This passion will be further be harnessed'
Instead use my passion.

You might want to have an intro so that the reader knows what you are going to talk about.

Otherwise, good essay!
OP HBZ 4 / 6  
Dec 28, 2009   #3
Omg, i just realized that I accidentally deleted the introduction haha. I'll have to retype it and make the edit.

Thanx for the corrections!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 5, 2010   #4
Ironically enough, I have since grown to have a profound love for the sciences- biology in particular.

The fact that your first word was doctor does not make this love ironic.

This has some great material! As you know, people who play chess and people who do not both respect people who play chess (albeit for different reasons). I think you should estalish a theme at the end of the first para... a theme of passion for human biology and strategic, methodical pursuit of goals.

Then, the rest of the essay can continue to reinforce this idea that your aspirations to succeed at UPenn are part of a strategic plan to pursue your passion. That'll be a good theme. Right now, the essay seems not to have a well-defined theme.
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Jan 5, 2010   #5
your problem was that last part of the essay, what can you contribute to the community, and this is ulitmately what matters to colleges, and while you go into detail about all the things you love about UPENN, your contribution at the end about how you will contribute living a life of your own and being able to pass this on is rather vague, this could have been a theme to your essay, rather htan your science interest which talks more about helping people with medicine(nothing new either, think of how many people said that), and the CAS which was the one aspect of the school you mentioned which you didnt give specifics to. Also, you talk about chess and how you can pass on teach it which is good, but you would have been better off elaborating a couple more setnences with it, you had more space. Its a good idea if you really are a good chess player which it appears you are, but if you could have extended the idea a little more and talked about something specific you would have emphasized, it would have been much better. The Piano idea is also rather vague, you can develop your skills which is a decent topic sentence but as w/ chess, you would have been better suiting dvweling into this more and talking about something specific w/ upenn piano, maybe a specific program or professor, something like that as an example.

All in all, though, not bad, this will be better than most why upenn essays the school reads, your conclusion is solid although depending on who reads it i dont know if there going to be in love w/ the whole failure is not an option idea, sounds like your advertising the school to someone almost, but whatever, good luck, if other parts of your application show your passion towards chess and music, this will enhance your application. Good luck

smallick13 - / 26  
Jan 5, 2010   #6
1st, don't lie on there, they will check if u are a chess champion and if ur name doesn't show up on a google search they will think u r lying (i know someone with experience)

also, dont put that your values will be spread, it's like saying u are out there to change the world when really all u want is to get the best degree to make more money.

and the ending paragragh needs severe help, its like what 99% will write on there. that's not the qualities of a chess champion.

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