Hello readers! I need other sets of eyes to examine this piece. Only 50 students get accepted into this programs. So, obviously essays play a large factor in determining who's in and who's out.
It was pretty difficult to write, i think because of the focus. But hopefully you guys can tell me if it's cohesive and if it flows. Thanks for reading! :)
PROMPT: Discuss your interest in combining management and technology. How might Penn's coordinated dual-degree program in business and engineering help you to meet your goals? Please be sure to address the nature and extent of your interests in both business and engineering.
"Emily! Mrs. Finnegan wants 100 shirts by the weekend!" my mother shouts as she takes a phone order. I smile and resume mixing the emulsifier for a new screen. Never did I think that my home screen print company would be a profitable success. About two years ago, I was perusing the t-shirt racks of an overpriced store when it hit me, "Heck! I could make all this myself!" And so it began.
Emily's Printing Co. was launched with a lofty vision, dogmatic motivation, research, start-up cash, proper tools, and product demand from peers, school sports teams, and neighbors. Initially beginning from a hand constructed screen and small containers of ink and emulsifier, this garage-brainchild has achieved phenomenal results.
If there's anything I've learned from my entrepreneurial experience with Emily's Printing Co., it's that operations and design must function in harmony. I've realized that my success was built upon a strong foundation of business acumen paired with engineering savvy. As a student of business I create numerical models to extrapolate and interpret product profitability and product pricing. As a student of engineering I see the opportunity to augment my production. I devised better screen construction by altering the placement of hinges or using a mortise and tenon joint between frame sides to resist the screen stretching. I carved better base boards to resemble the proper stretch of a t-shirt upon the body. I wrote better computer programs to better fit my number crunching. All of which aided production and boosted efficiency to help my achieve success that before was unimaginable!
Since I was a child I have frequently dabbled in both business engagements and engineering projects. I still remember the elementary school days when I used my emergent analytical skills to evaluate profit margin during recess lunch trades. I was also quite the engineer constructing epic Knex fortress residences for my Barbies™. Since then, my endeavors have evolved significantly. I am now the manager of a local band (Last Avenue) and as aforementioned a proud entrepreneur. Additionally, I have translated engineering from the platform of Knex to the realm of microscopes and centrifuges. I am now exploring the field of bioengineering at Abbott labs with my mentor Dr. Andurkar and his studies of drug systems delivery.
I only hope to fuse the principles of business and engineering in other applications beyond my screen printing company. Moreover, I possess a passion for engineering and an innate allure towards business. I believe it is inevitable that both paths of engineering and business merge will together to define my future no matter what I do. Thus, I embrace the spirit of the Jerome Fisher Management & Technology Program. I treasure the freedom of exploration through the personalized curriculum. I appreciate the phenomenal staff that enrich the M&T program. Ultimately, I value the "beyond the classroom" learning as I've found my greatest learning occurs when textbook concepts are applied to the real world.
I understand the rigors of the Management & Technology Program. Moreover, I understand the potency of my entrepreneurial spirit, the might of my motivation, and the strength of my aspirations. With a "Penngineering" education I will hone my individual assets in combination with my learned skills to achieve my dreams. I have dreams of being at the helm of a pharmaceutical company - perhaps Abbott labs; dreams of using my creative, technical, and business savvy simultaneously to achieve success; and dreams of being the best version of me that I can be. According to Benjamin Franklin, "An investment in knowledge pays the best interest." I am ready to invest in the University of Pennsylvania's Jerome Fisher Program in Management & Technology.
Emily
I think this is a fantastic essay. You nailed the prompt, and yes I think it was very smooth and cohesive. I like the reference to your childhood as it blends nicely with what you're doing now and aspire to do. I also enjoyed the opening. It caught my attention.
A few grammatical misprints :
..boosted efficiency to help achieve my success that before was unimaginable
..that both paths of engineering and business will merge together to define
if you wouldn't mind I would appreciate if you'd lend some tips on my essay.
I'm also applying to UPenn, not the dual program though. I think you gave me some inspiration for my essay! Best of luck.
...and interpret product profitability and product pricing. As a student of engineering, I also see the opportunity to augment my production by making strategic innovations; I devised better screen construction by ...
This is looking very good. It is cool that the first word in the essay is your name. The sentences spill forward, confidently presenting you as an over-achiever with a clear understanding of your business.
Let's not use "I still remember..."----> In my still remember the elementary school days, I used my emergent analytical skills to...
Yep, I have to agree with George that you did just about as well as anyone could do with this essay. :-)
