Your opinion's + suggestions are welcome! (not to mention needed!!)
...and it had arrived. After waiting precisely 46 days, six hours and eighteen minutes, the event that could change my life was in the grasp of my fingertips. The innumerable consequences of this instance fired through the neurons in my brain at inexplicable speeds; however, in the end I knew it came down to a simple "Yes" or "No". As I slowly brought my future closer to me, adrenaline pumped through every vein in my body, numbed the feeling in my hands and gripped my heart with shock. Memories flashed through my three pound brain, finally settling on a recollection of the day I visited the university. The University Of Pennsylvania.
"Hi, I am Vitul. I attend Penn, and will be happy to answer your question." Spoke the junior with genuine care and a dash of pride thrown in. From there, the conversation evolved from a typical college visit to a enthralling and full-fledged college experience. As he recounted his vivid experience of "Hey Day", relived his experience of the toast throwing experience during football games and talked of his excitement to experience "Ivy Day", I couldn't fail to notice the exhilaration radiating from his each word. It was then I realized, I wasn't in pursuit of just an Ivy education, but the "Ivy experience". It was then that I truly wanted to wear the Quaker red and blue. It was then that I knew Penn was where my passion had truly rested.
The placement of an intricately crafted snowflake on my skin brought me back to reality. As I observed the snow capped world around me, occasional wisps of air escaped my mouth only to dissipate in winter's inevitable icy grasp. As Vitul's words of wisdom of not doubting the experience at Penn reverberated in my head, I was frozen in place. As I clung on to the letter from The Office Of Undergraduate Admissions a little too tightly, I could feel the gentle yet rhythmically resounding beat of my heart in apprehension. As I hoped that my optional essay to Penn made an impact in my admissions factor, I slowly tore open the snow white envelope addressed to me with gently quivering hands.
I liked the opening, it really draws you in, though I think I would start with It had arrived. rather than starting with ...and it had arrived.
What exactly is the prompt? Or at least what are you trying to address? I got that you really want to go to Penn, but if you are trying to say why Penn is right for you, then I would suggest talking about your educational interests and how Penn is right for them.
Also I got kind of confused with the whole flash-forward, flash-backward thing, I like it, but maybe make the transitions better so it isn't as confusing. Good job overall.
Your essay is really good, vivid, detailed, exciting~
but i think it would be better if you changed something
"It was then I realized, I wasn't in pursuit of just an Ivy education, but the "Ivy experience". "
It was then that i realized, I was not (and so on)..
I don't get it...is this supposed to be something about u receiving admission:? haha.
oooooooohh. now I remember, this is supposed to be page 217 of your 300 page autobiography.
As I hoped that my optional essay to Penn made an impact in my admissions factor, I slowly tore open the snow white envelope addressed to me with gently quivering hands. <the first clause needs editing.>
very interesting..haha. but this as page 217? are you sure? that's a bit late in your bio..
I've got to agree with meisjon. This really doesn't say much about you except that you want to go to UPenn, which they already know since you're applying. Also if its pg.217 out of 400 in your autobiography, you should probably talk about something you plan to accomplish past college.
Anyone care to edit my essay? =)