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Upenn optional essay: page 217 of 300 paged auto-biography


ginny2345 12 / 22  
Dec 24, 2009   #1
Prompt: write page 217 of your 300 paged auto-biography

I looked around the hospital, feeling fulfilled. I had spent many years building this hospital and with the help of my very supportive husband, and the "Save our Women and Children Foundation", I had finally achieved my lifelong dream.

This was the third hospital I had built over the years. For fifteen years I concentrated on improving my country and other select countries in Africa. By building more hospitals with modern facilities, I was able to reduce the rate of maternal and infant mortality very drastically. I also established various voluntary organizations that concentrated on various aspects of my country's problems. The "Save Our Environment" organization which aimed at providing a cleaner and healthier environment helped me to reduce malaria to the minimum. I had also spent many years providing free education and public health for the people of Nigeria. With the help of the Nigerian government, I was able to improve the medical system in Nigeria.

All the years I had toiled to achieve my dreams were behind me and my past seemed like a distant memory. However, my mind kept drifting to a particular place in my past...the University of Pennsylvania. "U-Penn" I thought to myself. Looking back now, I wonder where I'd have been right now without that wonderful school.

The University of Pennsylvania had shaped my dreams into reality. It made me realize that I had ample opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others. It empowered me not only to succeed with my personal and professional life but also to make a positive impact on my country and the world in general.

"Doctor", a nurse called as she gently tapped my hand, pulling me away from my thoughts. "A patient has just arrived with cardiopulmonary complications" she said. It was time to do what I loved the most; what U-Penn had thought me how to do best- save a person's life.
paradoxymoron 3 / 9  
Dec 24, 2009   #2
I like how you incorporated upenn in your "future", with the tapping on the shoulder thing.

However, I don't know if you can say that cancer is no more.. I feel as if that's a little too big of a stretch to be believable.

And I think you should write "University of Pennsylvania" instead of Upenn.. they might think it's a little too informal? I don't know, my guidance counselor suggested it to me for my supplement to Duke.

"I had spent many years building this hospital and with the help of my very supportive husband, Greg, I had done it."

Is "very supportive husband, Greg" necessary? Why the name Greg? It sounds a little arbitrary.. What is "it"? Done what? I think it would be better if you wrote (just a suggestion, you don't have to take it):

"I had spent many years building this hospital, and with the help of my supportive husband, I have finally completed it."

"I can proudly say that throughout my years of hard work, malaria has finally been had finally been eradicated and cancer...well, cancer was no more."

I think throughout should be "from", or "as a result of".

Like what I said before.. the curing cancer and malaria completely seems unrealistic. But I'm not sure, maybe in the future it could be done?

"All the years I had toiled to achieve my dreams were behind me and my past seemed like such a distant memory. However, my mind kept drifting to a particular place in my past...Upenn. "Upenn, " I thought to myself. Looking back now, I wonder where I would have been right now without Upenn.

Upenn had shaped my dreams into reality. It made me realize that I had ample opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others. It empowered me not only to succeed with a personal and professional life, but also to make a positive impact on my country and the world in general.

"Doctor, ", a nurse called as she gently tapped my hand, pulling me away from my thoughts. "A patient has just arrived with full cardiac arrest(is that the correct terminology?), " she said."

"It was time to do what I loved the most; what Upenn had thought me the best , save a person's life."

What does that mean...?

Anyhow, you don't have to take my suggestions, but good luck with this essay and the rest of your college apps!

(sorry my comment is all messy, I forgot there was a quote button..)
OP ginny2345 12 / 22  
Dec 24, 2009   #3
what Upenn had thought me the best

that was a mistake. and i see were you are coming from about the eradication of cancer and malaria being unrealistic. about the name, i just felt it would be cool if my husband had an identity..anyways i'm gonna improve my essay. this was jst a draft

thank you so much
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Feb 11, 2010   #4
I looked around the hospital, feeling fulfilled.

fulfilled is an interesting word. but I'm not sure it fits right here. was the hospital feeling fulfilled?

I had also established

The "Save Our Environment" organization which aimed at providing a cleaner and healthier environment helped me to reduce malaria to the minimum. I had also spent many years providing free education and public health for the people of Nigeria. With the help of the Nigerian government, I was able to improve the medical system in Nigeria.

This appears suddenly, as another organization that you make by this time in your life. The last sentence reverts back to the hospital theme. im not sure these two connect.

Interesting second paragraph. Maybe work on the transition into you reminiscing. Also, make sure you keep tense consistent. You combine a general looking back. a drifting backwards...with the patient event. you talk about a lot, maybe focus more on one aspect. the hospital, the change, the influence, the needs, something that an autobiography would and could more likely talk about in depth.

great approach to the prompt. somewhat full of too much information. the overall idea is clear, but maybe elaborate on one part and not so much on separate events/changes in Nigeria


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